Hey Babies,
Yall probably recalls me telling you how Mabel had these two white bully butches up in here trying to get her drawers. Now I’ll be the first to admit that I thought she was gonna give in sooner or later. Hell she been with L.B. plenty of years and them two frisky as alley cats. So I just figured she’d get a little lonely so to speak and end up giving one or both on them gals the goodies. Well to my surprise Mabel stood her ground and fought the good fight. Baby she hit them chicks with the truth! Few weeks ago they pinned her up and the corner and Mabel picked up bible and busted them right upside they head with it. Now that’s what I call “delivering the word!” Baby them bully butches aint been the same since. I thinks they had some type of revelation after she hit em with the truth.
Yall keep praying for us and know that God takes care of babies and fools so me and Mabel is doing just fine while we on lock down. I got more stuff to share with yall but I just wanted to send a short letter to let you know Mabel ain’t went to the other side (if you knows what I mean). Talk to you soon. Take care now.
Signed
Ruthie Ann
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
BEWARE of a sleep walking shank carrying Killa!
Hey Baby,
I ain't had much sleep in the last few days and I got bags under my eyes bout the size of Mabel's ass cheeks (forgive Lawd). Now you probably wondering how a fine lady like me let’s bags as big as Mabel ass form on my face. Well I got a simple answer for you. Beware of a sleep walking shank carrying Killa!
Chile’s let me tell you what I’m talking about. A few days ago I was fast asleep dreaming about me and my ex-sugar son Tyron having us a grand ole time in the swimming pool. I thanks they calls this a wet dream. Child I had on the most sexiest floral bikini you den ever seen. Anyways, I turns over on my bunk and I opens my eyes for a few seconds and that sweet wet dream turned into a damn nightmare. Baby that crazy nut case -Camel- chain smoking- cellmate of mine Killa K was pacing the floor dead asleep with a damn shank in her hand. Now I don’t know about you, but ain’t no way in hell Imma sleep with a woman named Killa in cracker jack box sized cell with a shank in her hands and her eyes close. My brain cells might be a bit fried from all that glaucoma medicine I den smoked over the years but I ain’t nobodys fool!
Now after reading this do you thank being shank free is worth bags as big as Mabel's Booty?
I ain't had much sleep in the last few days and I got bags under my eyes bout the size of Mabel's ass cheeks (forgive Lawd). Now you probably wondering how a fine lady like me let’s bags as big as Mabel ass form on my face. Well I got a simple answer for you. Beware of a sleep walking shank carrying Killa!
Chile’s let me tell you what I’m talking about. A few days ago I was fast asleep dreaming about me and my ex-sugar son Tyron having us a grand ole time in the swimming pool. I thanks they calls this a wet dream. Child I had on the most sexiest floral bikini you den ever seen. Anyways, I turns over on my bunk and I opens my eyes for a few seconds and that sweet wet dream turned into a damn nightmare. Baby that crazy nut case -Camel- chain smoking- cellmate of mine Killa K was pacing the floor dead asleep with a damn shank in her hand. Now I don’t know about you, but ain’t no way in hell Imma sleep with a woman named Killa in cracker jack box sized cell with a shank in her hands and her eyes close. My brain cells might be a bit fried from all that glaucoma medicine I den smoked over the years but I ain’t nobodys fool!
Now after reading this do you thank being shank free is worth bags as big as Mabel's Booty?
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
A short Camel goes a long way!
Hey Babies,
Once again me and Mabel sends you all our love from inside the four walls of the county jail house. First off I wanna praise God because Mabel been losing weight since we been locked up. She claims it’s cause she ain’t been eating these nasty meals cause they ain’t got nothing on her cooking. But personally I thanks it got a lot to do with her constantly running away from these two white bully butches that wanna make Mabel they bitch (forgive me Lawd). Every time you turns around they talking bout how much they loves them some black womens with meat on they bones. And yall knows Mabel got plenty of meat on her bones so they both want her bad. Personally I thanks that if it wasn’t for them being white Mabel would get down with that one named Connie on the down low if you knows what I mean. I say that cause Connie kinda puts you in the mind of a white woman who looks like LB would look if he was a white woman. Anyways, all that running from them is helping Mabel fit her orange jumpsuit better. Praise the Lawd cause she was starting to look like NOT ONE but A BAG FULL of Sunkit oranges in that suit.
Now as for me I den came up with a serious hustle up in here. See the only cigarettes we got access to is them ones called Camel. Anyways, in here Camel is better than cash and if you got a half smoked one (they calls that a “short”) then that’s like having some coins. Anyways, I don’t smoke cigarettes cause ain’t nothing good about em and they sho ain’t good for your health. Now weed on the other hand is good for problems with your eyes and such. But anyways I tends to buy me a few packs of them Camel cigarettes and I uses them to get thangs done up in here. Baby I’m telling you “a short camel can get you a long way” when you locked up. Course I don’t recommend you find out for yourself. Just take my word for it. Jail ain’t for everybody. Hell if me and Mabel didn’t have the Lawd and my chain smoking cellmate Killa K on our side we’d be in a world of trouble up in here. Take care now.
Signed
Ruthie Ann
Once again me and Mabel sends you all our love from inside the four walls of the county jail house. First off I wanna praise God because Mabel been losing weight since we been locked up. She claims it’s cause she ain’t been eating these nasty meals cause they ain’t got nothing on her cooking. But personally I thanks it got a lot to do with her constantly running away from these two white bully butches that wanna make Mabel they bitch (forgive me Lawd). Every time you turns around they talking bout how much they loves them some black womens with meat on they bones. And yall knows Mabel got plenty of meat on her bones so they both want her bad. Personally I thanks that if it wasn’t for them being white Mabel would get down with that one named Connie on the down low if you knows what I mean. I say that cause Connie kinda puts you in the mind of a white woman who looks like LB would look if he was a white woman. Anyways, all that running from them is helping Mabel fit her orange jumpsuit better. Praise the Lawd cause she was starting to look like NOT ONE but A BAG FULL of Sunkit oranges in that suit.
Now as for me I den came up with a serious hustle up in here. See the only cigarettes we got access to is them ones called Camel. Anyways, in here Camel is better than cash and if you got a half smoked one (they calls that a “short”) then that’s like having some coins. Anyways, I don’t smoke cigarettes cause ain’t nothing good about em and they sho ain’t good for your health. Now weed on the other hand is good for problems with your eyes and such. But anyways I tends to buy me a few packs of them Camel cigarettes and I uses them to get thangs done up in here. Baby I’m telling you “a short camel can get you a long way” when you locked up. Course I don’t recommend you find out for yourself. Just take my word for it. Jail ain’t for everybody. Hell if me and Mabel didn’t have the Lawd and my chain smoking cellmate Killa K on our side we’d be in a world of trouble up in here. Take care now.
Signed
Ruthie Ann
Monday, October 13, 2008
Don't let the one with glaucoma be the look out guy!
Hey Babies,
I knows yall probably been wondering where me and Mabel been lately. Well it’s kinda a long story but imma try to make it simple. The bottom line to the story is DON’T LET THE PERSON WITH GLAUCOMA BE THE LOOK OUT GUY!
I ain’t sure if yall remembers but a while back me and Mabel was curious as 5 alley cats in heat about that blue juice the pastors be drinking. We had a notion that it was that drank they calls Hypnotic. Anyways we masterminded a plot to expose our pastor for being a down low alcoholic. See we figures that us black kettles get called out in church every Sunday for our sinful ways by the pastor, so if he is a BLACK POT on the down low, then he outta be called too.
Well about two months ago me and Mabel dressed up in all black (in our Sundays best of course with the sharpest church hats you den ever seen). Anyways, we left the kitchen door open in the basement of the church earlier that day so we could sneak back in and grab that blue juice to test the water for ourselves so to speak. We had the plan all set up. I was to be the look out guy and Mabel was to be the thief. I personally thought it should be the other way around but Mabel insisted that she grab the juice since she was the one with stinky fingers back in the day. Child that women used to be able to steal the panty drawz off you while you was wearing a girdle on top of em. Now that’s what you call a professional thief.
Anyways long story short the silent alarm went off and we got arrested for armed robbery. I didn’t see the po-po pulling up in time to tell Mabel so that we could get up out the church house. Hell they looked like trees to me. The judge accused us of using Mabel’s cain as a weapon. So me and Mabel is currently do a bit in the county jail. We ain’t been able to talk to yall too much cause we beat the hell out of two bully butches for trying to take our cakes (if you knows what I mean). That fight ended us both up in solitary confinement. We still at the county but now we is able to use the computers once a week or so. W3ell try to write yall every chance we get.
Take care now and please pray of us.
Signed
Ruthie Ann
I knows yall probably been wondering where me and Mabel been lately. Well it’s kinda a long story but imma try to make it simple. The bottom line to the story is DON’T LET THE PERSON WITH GLAUCOMA BE THE LOOK OUT GUY!
I ain’t sure if yall remembers but a while back me and Mabel was curious as 5 alley cats in heat about that blue juice the pastors be drinking. We had a notion that it was that drank they calls Hypnotic. Anyways we masterminded a plot to expose our pastor for being a down low alcoholic. See we figures that us black kettles get called out in church every Sunday for our sinful ways by the pastor, so if he is a BLACK POT on the down low, then he outta be called too.
Well about two months ago me and Mabel dressed up in all black (in our Sundays best of course with the sharpest church hats you den ever seen). Anyways, we left the kitchen door open in the basement of the church earlier that day so we could sneak back in and grab that blue juice to test the water for ourselves so to speak. We had the plan all set up. I was to be the look out guy and Mabel was to be the thief. I personally thought it should be the other way around but Mabel insisted that she grab the juice since she was the one with stinky fingers back in the day. Child that women used to be able to steal the panty drawz off you while you was wearing a girdle on top of em. Now that’s what you call a professional thief.
Anyways long story short the silent alarm went off and we got arrested for armed robbery. I didn’t see the po-po pulling up in time to tell Mabel so that we could get up out the church house. Hell they looked like trees to me. The judge accused us of using Mabel’s cain as a weapon. So me and Mabel is currently do a bit in the county jail. We ain’t been able to talk to yall too much cause we beat the hell out of two bully butches for trying to take our cakes (if you knows what I mean). That fight ended us both up in solitary confinement. We still at the county but now we is able to use the computers once a week or so. W3ell try to write yall every chance we get.
Take care now and please pray of us.
Signed
Ruthie Ann
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Oh, Helllllllllllll to the No-No
Babies me and Mabel just left the church house and we is heated. Just when we den made up our minds to stop cussing so much Pastor den went and pissed us the hell off. Now we loves our Pastor dearly with his long winded self but he den gone to far this time. Me and Mabel den made it clear ova the last few months that one of us wanted to be elected the President of the Mother's Board. See we figuras if one of us wins then the otha one is still in (If you knows what I mean). Anyways old stank breath Edna been the President for the past 5 years and it's time she sat the hell down and close her old cabbage infested mouth! But naw Pastor wanna show her favor cause she his Godmommy and all. He had the nerves to veto the election and appoint her the President of the board again! Oh, Helllllllllll to the No-No.
The other mothers tired of her funk feast breath self too, but theys aint as out spoken as me and Mabel. So we den decided to write a petition and give it to the Pastor explaining how come it's time for Edna to put the gavel down and pick a toothbrush up.
Dearest Pastor,
First given honor to God who is the head of our lives and then given honor to you and First Lady. Baby, we mean Pastor, you knows that we usually follow you whereva you goes other than that time you went to the strip club to minister. We had flashbacks and didn't wanna black slide or slide back for that matter. Anyhows we is writing this letter because we sho don't agree with you appointing stank breath we means Mother Edna as the president of the Mother's Board again. We knows that she yo Godmomma and that keeps you full with them fish dinners every week. But we feels that this ain't fair to the other seasoned saints on the Mother's Board who been waiting to get they hands on the gavel. Now we is praying that you makes the right decision and let the Lord lead your heart.
The other mothers tired of her funk feast breath self too, but theys aint as out spoken as me and Mabel. So we den decided to write a petition and give it to the Pastor explaining how come it's time for Edna to put the gavel down and pick a toothbrush up.
Dearest Pastor,
First given honor to God who is the head of our lives and then given honor to you and First Lady. Baby, we mean Pastor, you knows that we usually follow you whereva you goes other than that time you went to the strip club to minister. We had flashbacks and didn't wanna black slide or slide back for that matter. Anyhows we is writing this letter because we sho don't agree with you appointing stank breath we means Mother Edna as the president of the Mother's Board again. We knows that she yo Godmomma and that keeps you full with them fish dinners every week. But we feels that this ain't fair to the other seasoned saints on the Mother's Board who been waiting to get they hands on the gavel. Now we is praying that you makes the right decision and let the Lord lead your heart.
With Love,
Mrs. Mabel and Ruthie Ann
Thursday, July 10, 2008
The Nerve of Them
Hey babies. Me and Mabel needs to vent for a few minutes if yall don’t mind. Well the church is having our annual picnic in August and we were elected by the Mother’s Board to come up with the activities for the seniors and the seasoned saints. Me and Mabel worked hard on the list of activities and last night the picnic committee had the nerves to revoke our title as the Mother’s Board Senior Activity Committee Chairpersons for the Annual Picnic. The nerves of them! Anyways, they claimed that our activities were not appropriate for the church picnic and that they would no longer need our services.
Now babies, yall be honest with us. Do you thanks that the activities ideas we had was not appropriate or are they just a bunch of haters cause me and Mabel is so creative and all? Take care now.
Signed
Ruthie Ann
Church Fanning Contest – of course we all knows church ain’t complete lessin’ a you’s able to work a good church fan – the kind with Martin Lutha Kang and Malcome X and thangs. Even one with a good fun’ral home is good too. We just wants to see who can fan the fastest and longest. I knows strong armed Emma probably gone win this one.
Wig Styling Contest – a church womens closet and wardrobe ain’t complete lessin’ she wearing a good wig. You knows we got our good church wig and well sometimes we needs to have them styled just right. A Christian woman should always know how to do this. Sister Effie could use some practice on her wig. She looks a mess every Sunday.
The Sale-A-Bit Counter – this comes from Ruthie Ann. Since she’s celibate now and done left Tryon alone, we figured it would be a fantastic idea to have her run the bake sale stand where we womens sale-a-bit of this and sale-a-bit of that. The only problem is I thanks she ain’t really delivered. So, I hope she only sale-a-bit of cakes and pies and not none of her goodies.
Rubbin Alcohol Contest – Yes, chile – this is a good one. You know that Arthur (read: arthritis) comes to visit us quite often. One of the ways to kick him in the knee is to get some of that good green rubbin alcohol and give your legs a good rub down. Ladies, it’s time to roll down them knee highs and see who can rub a bottle the fastest.
Chi Chi Slide – That’s right. We is gonna do the latest dance to the Cha Cha slide and we want to see who’s titties aka chi-chi’s can knock out the most folks. So ladies, leave your over the shoulder boulder holders at home and come au natural for this one!
Chitlin Cleaning Contest – Ain’t no woman a woman unless she can get hold of that red bucket full of dirty chitlins and get them squeaky clean. We’ll run the timers for this one and the womens who can cleans a bucket of chitlins the fastest will win. The mother in last place will have to cook and eat her dirty chitlins.
and last but not least,
The Wet T-Shirt Contest - We needs to figure out last and for all which mother looks the most natural. After all, we is Christians so all we plans on doing is getting in the baptismal pool and coming back on up. I still can't figure out why ALL the deacons wanted to be judges. We can only have three though. I was thinking that we could do this contest and put all the young girls to shame - you know, put them back in their place!
Now babies, yall be honest with us. Do you thanks that the activities ideas we had was not appropriate or are they just a bunch of haters cause me and Mabel is so creative and all? Take care now.
Signed
Ruthie Ann
Senior & Seasoned Saints Activities
Annual Church Picnic 2008
Church Fanning Contest – of course we all knows church ain’t complete lessin’ a you’s able to work a good church fan – the kind with Martin Lutha Kang and Malcome X and thangs. Even one with a good fun’ral home is good too. We just wants to see who can fan the fastest and longest. I knows strong armed Emma probably gone win this one.
Wig Styling Contest – a church womens closet and wardrobe ain’t complete lessin’ she wearing a good wig. You knows we got our good church wig and well sometimes we needs to have them styled just right. A Christian woman should always know how to do this. Sister Effie could use some practice on her wig. She looks a mess every Sunday.
The Sale-A-Bit Counter – this comes from Ruthie Ann. Since she’s celibate now and done left Tryon alone, we figured it would be a fantastic idea to have her run the bake sale stand where we womens sale-a-bit of this and sale-a-bit of that. The only problem is I thanks she ain’t really delivered. So, I hope she only sale-a-bit of cakes and pies and not none of her goodies.
Rubbin Alcohol Contest – Yes, chile – this is a good one. You know that Arthur (read: arthritis) comes to visit us quite often. One of the ways to kick him in the knee is to get some of that good green rubbin alcohol and give your legs a good rub down. Ladies, it’s time to roll down them knee highs and see who can rub a bottle the fastest.
Chi Chi Slide – That’s right. We is gonna do the latest dance to the Cha Cha slide and we want to see who’s titties aka chi-chi’s can knock out the most folks. So ladies, leave your over the shoulder boulder holders at home and come au natural for this one!
Chitlin Cleaning Contest – Ain’t no woman a woman unless she can get hold of that red bucket full of dirty chitlins and get them squeaky clean. We’ll run the timers for this one and the womens who can cleans a bucket of chitlins the fastest will win. The mother in last place will have to cook and eat her dirty chitlins.
and last but not least,
The Wet T-Shirt Contest - We needs to figure out last and for all which mother looks the most natural. After all, we is Christians so all we plans on doing is getting in the baptismal pool and coming back on up. I still can't figure out why ALL the deacons wanted to be judges. We can only have three though. I was thinking that we could do this contest and put all the young girls to shame - you know, put them back in their place!
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Yall So Nosey-Part II
Hey babies, we are back and live in action. You have to forgive us for our delay. We've been traveling. You see, I went to Sin City and been praying ever since then. I had to get LB back up and in order. Then we and some of the other mothers drove up to Detroit for the AIM conference. We've got plenty of stories to tell about that. I just got me a new sale phone and I was trying to figure out how to work my camera phone so I can show some pictures since yall don't believe half the stuff we be saying. I couldn't figure out how to work it. I was looking for Ruthie to help me, but she was off somewhere with some deacons and elders from another church.
Anyway, yall keep Pastor Timothy Wright lifted up in prayer. We heard that his wife and grandson were killed and he was injured real bad coming back from the same conference. Sometimes we never understand what God is doing, but we have to trust him anyway.
Here are the second batch of questions. I hope yall enjoy.
-Mrs. Mabel
TORRANCE SAID:
Where yawl get the fire hats from?
Mrs. Mabel: Now baby, I don't thanks that's a question I'm gonna be able to answer. You see asking a grown woman (especially one of my age) where she gets her personal accessories from is sorta like asking that very same woman her age. That’s just something you don’t do. Plus, one time we was a’havin us a church banquet. I had on my good red suit – candy apple red. That’s the one LB loves to see me in. Well, one of the other mothers in the church asked me where I got my clutch from. Being the Christian I am – I told her. Next thing you know that heffa up and showed up to the church with the same purse I had. If I wasn’t so saved, I would have done more than just cuss her out.
Ruthie Ann: Baby the bible says a fool thanks what they doing is right. I must admit I was foolish to thank I could continue being with my sugar son Tyron or should I say ex sugar son. Pastor preached on fornicating while back and I felt convicted so I told Tyron he was gonna have to marry me if we was gonna keep bumping and grinding. Well let’s just say I don’t thank like I used to thank a few months ago when I was getting me some on a regular basis and making every excuse in the book to do so.
How do you feel about homosexuals?
Mrs. Mabel: Child, ain’t nothing wrong with them homosexuals. They knows how to keep my hair in place, paint my finger nails, and one came over not too long ago and helped me redesign my sun room.
Ruthie Ann: Baby I keeps telling folks I ain’t one to judge. Now long as no womens don’t try to touch my body I ain’t got no problems with it. Plus I used to thank Mabel dipped off on the other side of the fence here and there back in the day. So what can I say if my best friend is a homosexual on the down low? She thank I don't see how she be looking at me when I have on my Sundays best, but chile' I sees her admiring me.
What do you think happened to Carlton Pearson?
Mrs. Mabel: He messed around with one of them homosexuals and they done turned him out.
Ruthie Ann: Baby is that the man that went down to the casino river boat, lost all his money, got depressed, and jumped off the boat? Hell, he shoulda stuck to the penny slots cause you can’t go wrong playing for pennies. Specially if you got a bunch of them in a Crown Royal bag.
Why is Bobbi Jones sooo gay?
Mrs. Mabel: He always been gay. He’s like wine. The longer you exist, the stronger you taste.
Ruthie Ann: Chile I don’t know, but I tell you what I sho like them suits he be wearing. That man know he got some fashion with his fruity self.
Why do you blog?
Mrs. Mabel: Honestly, I blogs cause I wanted a new outlet. I got here by mistake. I typed in http://www.bladderspot.com/ one day to look up some medicine for LB and his little problem. Next thang you know this is where I was. I’ve been loving it ever since.
Ruthie Ann: We figured it was a calling on our life an all since we ended up in the blog world by mistake. What’s the chances of me looking for http://www.baldspot.com/ and Mabel looking for http://www.bladderspot.com/ on two separate occasions and we ends up at http://www.blogspot.com/. If that ain't God what is?
What do yall want to accomplish from blogging?
Mrs. Mabel: You know, I learned not to have expectations. I feel it's important just to take it as it comes. If you get something good out of the experience, then it was meant to be.
Ruthie Ann: Well I can't say I'm looking to accomplish nothing in particular. I do likes to give the peoples some good sound words of wisdom and advice. Plus is bout the only exercise that Mabel gone get and typing works out her fat fangers. I feels as her best friend it's my duty to encourage her to exercise.
How old are you two?
Mrs. Mabel: Now son, you know better than to ask a woman her age.
Ruthie Ann: Like I said earlier asking womens they age and where they gets their good Sunday church hats from is a no-no. Next question!
Going back to the sugar son, where do I apply? :-)
Anyway, yall keep Pastor Timothy Wright lifted up in prayer. We heard that his wife and grandson were killed and he was injured real bad coming back from the same conference. Sometimes we never understand what God is doing, but we have to trust him anyway.
Here are the second batch of questions. I hope yall enjoy.
-Mrs. Mabel
TORRANCE SAID:
Where yawl get the fire hats from?
Mrs. Mabel: Now baby, I don't thanks that's a question I'm gonna be able to answer. You see asking a grown woman (especially one of my age) where she gets her personal accessories from is sorta like asking that very same woman her age. That’s just something you don’t do. Plus, one time we was a’havin us a church banquet. I had on my good red suit – candy apple red. That’s the one LB loves to see me in. Well, one of the other mothers in the church asked me where I got my clutch from. Being the Christian I am – I told her. Next thing you know that heffa up and showed up to the church with the same purse I had. If I wasn’t so saved, I would have done more than just cuss her out.
Ruthie Ann: Chile' I got to second what Mabel said. Asking bout our hats is sho nuff like a
Are "Mrs. Ruthie Anne" and "Ms. Mabel" stage names or are they your real names?
Mrs. Mabel: Stage name? What’s that baby? I’m as real as real can get. I used to go by an alias. Hell, sometimes I still do. I have to keeps the passion burning in my marriage to LB so some times I’ll let him call me Mahalia or even
Ruthie Ann: Baby, fars I know I been called Ruthie Ann long as I can remembers. Now there was a rumor when I was 13 that I was found in the woods as a baby by my Pappy and they gave me the name. But chile I thanks my cousin was saying that to get some without feeling like kissing cousins. Damn boy was a freak to his heart. Maybe that’s why he died of a heart attack while he was layed up with some prostitute. Anyhow, I believes I been Ruthie Ann since day one.
Are you a blogger, or group of bloggers, that publish this blog?
Mrs. Mabel: Well, I beg your pardon youngster! You oughta be ashamed of yourself calling womens like us out of our names. I’m not a blogger, I’m a Christian. I believes in the Lord. He heard my cry and He pitied every groan! He is coming back again, you know.
Ruthie Ann: Baby I aint quite sure I understands your question. I’m sexy me and then there’s big round and greedy Mabel and we just blogs. Sometimes I do the blogs, sometimes she do the blogs, and sometimes we does them together. We ain't into no kinky-freaky stuff on the computers though if that's what you are asking.
One of you made reference to having a sugar son. How do you feel fornicating?
Mrs. Mabel: Child, well, it ain’t me with the sugar son. That’s that ol’ trifling Ruthie. I thanks one shouldn’t fornicate ever. It just ain’t no cause for it. Plus, I done been with LB for so long, he knows how to fulfill all my needs.Ruthie Ann: Baby the bible says a fool thanks what they doing is right. I must admit I was foolish to thank I could continue being with my sugar son Tyron or should I say ex sugar son. Pastor preached on fornicating while back and I felt convicted so I told Tyron he was gonna have to marry me if we was gonna keep bumping and grinding. Well let’s just say I don’t thank like I used to thank a few months ago when I was getting me some on a regular basis and making every excuse in the book to do so.
How do you feel about homosexuals?
Mrs. Mabel: Child, ain’t nothing wrong with them homosexuals. They knows how to keep my hair in place, paint my finger nails, and one came over not too long ago and helped me redesign my sun room.
Ruthie Ann: Baby I keeps telling folks I ain’t one to judge. Now long as no womens don’t try to touch my body I ain’t got no problems with it. Plus I used to thank Mabel dipped off on the other side of the fence here and there back in the day. So what can I say if my best friend is a homosexual on the down low? She thank I don't see how she be looking at me when I have on my Sundays best, but chile' I sees her admiring me.
What do you think happened to Carlton Pearson?
Mrs. Mabel: He messed around with one of them homosexuals and they done turned him out.
Ruthie Ann: Baby is that the man that went down to the casino river boat, lost all his money, got depressed, and jumped off the boat? Hell, he shoulda stuck to the penny slots cause you can’t go wrong playing for pennies. Specially if you got a bunch of them in a Crown Royal bag.
Why is Bobbi Jones sooo gay?
Mrs. Mabel: He always been gay. He’s like wine. The longer you exist, the stronger you taste.
Ruthie Ann: Chile I don’t know, but I tell you what I sho like them suits he be wearing. That man know he got some fashion with his fruity self.
Why do you blog?
Mrs. Mabel: Honestly, I blogs cause I wanted a new outlet. I got here by mistake. I typed in http://www.bladderspot.com/ one day to look up some medicine for LB and his little problem. Next thang you know this is where I was. I’ve been loving it ever since.
Ruthie Ann: We figured it was a calling on our life an all since we ended up in the blog world by mistake. What’s the chances of me looking for http://www.baldspot.com/ and Mabel looking for http://www.bladderspot.com/ on two separate occasions and we ends up at http://www.blogspot.com/. If that ain't God what is?
What do yall want to accomplish from blogging?
Mrs. Mabel: You know, I learned not to have expectations. I feel it's important just to take it as it comes. If you get something good out of the experience, then it was meant to be.
Ruthie Ann: Well I can't say I'm looking to accomplish nothing in particular. I do likes to give the peoples some good sound words of wisdom and advice. Plus is bout the only exercise that Mabel gone get and typing works out her fat fangers. I feels as her best friend it's my duty to encourage her to exercise.
How old are you two?
Mrs. Mabel: Now son, you know better than to ask a woman her age.
Ruthie Ann: Like I said earlier asking womens they age and where they gets their good Sunday church hats from is a no-no. Next question!
Going back to the sugar son, where do I apply? :-)
Mrs. Mabel: You gotta ask Ruthie about that. From the looks of you, you ain't got much money. Plus, ain't you tied up together with that other young boy Shawn? if you is, then ain't you fornicating?
Ruthie Ann: Baby if you woulda got up with me a few months ago I woulda broke you off a lil something something, but chile' I'm done with the younger mens. They cost too much anyway and I'm working off a fixed income you know.
THE FLYYEST SAID:
Are yall 2 real or is this an alias?? whatever it is...im lovin it.
Mrs. Mabel: Baby, we is as real as a wooden nickel! Seriously, we is real. We’re here typing, aint’ we?
Ruthie Ann: Baby we as real as your hair. Now you tell me is that your hair or is it fake? Chile, I’m just playing with you. We loves wigs too baby. Baby we sho nuff real as a wooden nickel I means a nickel on a wooden table.
PROMISCUOUS X SAID:
Do you even get wet when you geting your freak on LOL?
Mrs. Mabel: Yes child, LB makes sure I gets wet. Besides, what I can’t do myself, a bottle that costs $7.99 can do for me!
Ruthie Ann: Baby can an old sank still have a working faucet? Of course water can still run!You betta ask somebody.
Do you know how to make Peach Cobbler?
Mrs. Mabel: I can make a mean peach cobbler. You know they say a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. That’s how me and LB got started.
Ruthie Ann: As you can tell by the difference in our womenly figuras, Mabel is the cook, baker, and taster around these parts. I ain't have time to make no peach cobbler tending to all my husbands and childrens.
Do you have your tubes tied? Cuz I know y'all too be having ya lil jump offs aka Suga Sons LOL
Mrs. Mabel: Because I’m the married one, ain’t no need to tie my tubes. Although, I doubt there’s much more baking in the oven. I think the pilot light is out for good!
Ruthie Ann: Chile' I ain't let them doctors tie nothing on me. I gots the pull out method mastered. Why you thank I only got 13 childrens?
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
My First Love
Evening Babies, I was just satting here thanking bout life and love. I started thinking bout all the mens I loved before. Well for a moment I started remembaing my first late husband who might surprise yall to know was a Puerto Rican lover. I used to calls him Mr. Garcia cause he was a short man who all ways wanted to prove to the world that he was tuff. Well to make his self asteem betta I called him Mr. Garcia. You know showing him some respect and all.
Anyway that man loved his family and he loved him some me. I really did cares bout Mr. Garcia but I just couldn't see myself having all them childrens he wanted. Funny thang is 6 husbands and many mens later I still ended up with 13 childrens. Oh well we live and we learn.
So babies, tells Old Ruthie Ann bout your first love. Go ahead and talk. I'm be listening while I sat ova here at the table and work on this batch of hog head cheese that Pastor want for the Annual Usher Banquet. He says ain't no party or celebration complete without the presence of the Lawd and a hog head cheese and crackers table. I loves my Pastor cause he sho knows how to put on a party to celebrate the working saints who keep the house of the Lawd in tact through theys hard labor. I still thank he helped Usher Lena get that tummy tuck she had last year. Hell I don't quite blame him though. Woman was so big she knocked a differant mother's hat off every sangle week for months. Them old womens was racing to the pew to keep from being on the end sit casing big booty belly Usher Lena was on duty. One thang as a Pastor that you don't eva eva wanna do is make the Mother's Board mad. Well yall gone head and tell me bout your first love. Chile' I'm listenin'.
Anyway that man loved his family and he loved him some me. I really did cares bout Mr. Garcia but I just couldn't see myself having all them childrens he wanted. Funny thang is 6 husbands and many mens later I still ended up with 13 childrens. Oh well we live and we learn.
So babies, tells Old Ruthie Ann bout your first love. Go ahead and talk. I'm be listening while I sat ova here at the table and work on this batch of hog head cheese that Pastor want for the Annual Usher Banquet. He says ain't no party or celebration complete without the presence of the Lawd and a hog head cheese and crackers table. I loves my Pastor cause he sho knows how to put on a party to celebrate the working saints who keep the house of the Lawd in tact through theys hard labor. I still thank he helped Usher Lena get that tummy tuck she had last year. Hell I don't quite blame him though. Woman was so big she knocked a differant mother's hat off every sangle week for months. Them old womens was racing to the pew to keep from being on the end sit casing big booty belly Usher Lena was on duty. One thang as a Pastor that you don't eva eva wanna do is make the Mother's Board mad. Well yall gone head and tell me bout your first love. Chile' I'm listenin'.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Went to Sin City...I Ain't No Sinner
Well praise the lawd to everybody. It's me - Mabel. I'se shole glad to be back on some familiar ground. I guess now I knows what them childrens of Is-ra-el felt like wandering that wilderness.
Well, I figured that since we ain't got all the time in the world no mo' that LB and I should gone down to Vegas and renew our vowels. Yes child, our VOWELS. I sho hads me a good time. Too bad I can't say the same about my precious dear husband LB.
First, let me tell you. We stayed in the most regal place. I can't quite remember the name of the hotel, but chile, it had a water fall, baptismal pool, and a fountain that played music. It had lights too. It was nice and 'spensive. Of course, when you are supposed to be treated like a queen, I guess price ain't much to talk about these days. The peoples were real nice to us too. They even let me put my Epsom salt in the whirlpool. Child, I had all them white folks feeling good right along with me. I bet them sales at Walgreen's is gonna increase now - I wonder how I can get my cut. Everybody talking about a side hustle, hell, I needs me one too, especially now that LB done got some more medical bills now.
How did it happen? Well, my sweet ol' LB was trying to be romantic. And yes, child, sure, I done picked up a pound or two. I lose weight all the time. It just seems to find me all over again. LB though that after we got done renewing our vowels that he could pick me up and carry me over the threshold like he did 60-something years and a few pounds ago. Well, why in the Lord's name did he do that. Child, he pulled two muscles in his back, broke two ribs, and injured his foot. Well, I must say, that after I fell down, I was able to get right back up again. You know they say we fall down...and get up, cause a saint ain't nothing but a sinner who fell down! Well, I told LB to get off them slots when the Lord spoke to me, he didn't listen, know I thanks the Lord is repaying him back.
Child, I gots to go now. I needs to pay my tithes and give my offering and building fund money to the church. You know, even though I was "blessed" while in sin city with over 5,000.00 - it's still earnings and I gots to make sure there is plenty of meat in my storehouse. I loves me some meat.
Now yall pray for LB. Plus I need to put this pound cake in the oven. Ruthie Ann been missing me. Old heffa never did learn how to cook and since I've been gone she told me she been making hog head cheese all this time. Child, I need to pick up some mints when I goes over to her house too - I'm sure it smells like the inside of the pig she been eating for the last week. Yall pray my strength, hear!
With Love,
Mrs. Mabel
PS: We gonna finish answering all of yalls questions too. Yall so nosey. But that's fine so is Edna down at the church and Geneva on the Missions Board...we's used to it.
Well, I figured that since we ain't got all the time in the world no mo' that LB and I should gone down to Vegas and renew our vowels. Yes child, our VOWELS. I sho hads me a good time. Too bad I can't say the same about my precious dear husband LB.
First, let me tell you. We stayed in the most regal place. I can't quite remember the name of the hotel, but chile, it had a water fall, baptismal pool, and a fountain that played music. It had lights too. It was nice and 'spensive. Of course, when you are supposed to be treated like a queen, I guess price ain't much to talk about these days. The peoples were real nice to us too. They even let me put my Epsom salt in the whirlpool. Child, I had all them white folks feeling good right along with me. I bet them sales at Walgreen's is gonna increase now - I wonder how I can get my cut. Everybody talking about a side hustle, hell, I needs me one too, especially now that LB done got some more medical bills now.
How did it happen? Well, my sweet ol' LB was trying to be romantic. And yes, child, sure, I done picked up a pound or two. I lose weight all the time. It just seems to find me all over again. LB though that after we got done renewing our vowels that he could pick me up and carry me over the threshold like he did 60-something years and a few pounds ago. Well, why in the Lord's name did he do that. Child, he pulled two muscles in his back, broke two ribs, and injured his foot. Well, I must say, that after I fell down, I was able to get right back up again. You know they say we fall down...and get up, cause a saint ain't nothing but a sinner who fell down! Well, I told LB to get off them slots when the Lord spoke to me, he didn't listen, know I thanks the Lord is repaying him back.
Child, I gots to go now. I needs to pay my tithes and give my offering and building fund money to the church. You know, even though I was "blessed" while in sin city with over 5,000.00 - it's still earnings and I gots to make sure there is plenty of meat in my storehouse. I loves me some meat.
Now yall pray for LB. Plus I need to put this pound cake in the oven. Ruthie Ann been missing me. Old heffa never did learn how to cook and since I've been gone she told me she been making hog head cheese all this time. Child, I need to pick up some mints when I goes over to her house too - I'm sure it smells like the inside of the pig she been eating for the last week. Yall pray my strength, hear!
With Love,
Mrs. Mabel
PS: We gonna finish answering all of yalls questions too. Yall so nosey. But that's fine so is Edna down at the church and Geneva on the Missions Board...we's used to it.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
16 Days and Counting
Praise the Lawd. How my babies been doing? I wanted to thanks all of yall who been praying for me. I’m feeling much betta now. My grown folk diaper rash is gone and my tail is back to being as smooth as a baby’s bottom. If you wondering I still ain’t drank no Crown and I ain’t had no glaucoma medicine in 16 days and counting. It’s been a little rough on me but I just calls out to the Lawd for help. I’m sho nuff realizing that all them years I spent calling out a man’s name in the heat of passion I should have had more passion for the Lawd and called out his name. Well we lives and we learns. Anyways my grandson is still locked up and he wants me to put some money on his books. But chile I’m on a fixed income and I ain’t gone fix my income to feed him and his cell mate Buster no honey and peanut butta sandwiches while I’m out here eating Spam. No Lawd, he shoulda been saving all that money he was making stead of buying that bling fling crap he had round his neck every time I seens him. Now I was thanking bout sending him some Vaseline just in case (if you knows what I mean). Never know why that boy Buster got his name.
Ms Mabel and her hubby LB went to Sin City this week and so yall pray that she come back with as much money in her pocket as food in her belly. I knows she gone eat up the town at all them buffets down there in Vegas. She called me last night and said her and LB got matching tattoos wedding rings on their left big toe. Chile I don’t know what they was thanking fat and funky as they toes is. Anyway I bout to go make some hog head cheese for 12Kyle’s party so I ain’t gone keep yall much longer. Take care now.
Signed
Ruthie Ann
Ms Mabel and her hubby LB went to Sin City this week and so yall pray that she come back with as much money in her pocket as food in her belly. I knows she gone eat up the town at all them buffets down there in Vegas. She called me last night and said her and LB got matching tattoos wedding rings on their left big toe. Chile I don’t know what they was thanking fat and funky as they toes is. Anyway I bout to go make some hog head cheese for 12Kyle’s party so I ain’t gone keep yall much longer. Take care now.
Signed
Ruthie Ann
Monday, June 9, 2008
Baby the Thrill is Gone
Hey babies. Yall migtha been wondering where I beens. Well praise God old Ruthie Ann is still alive and kicking. Only thang is I been going through “the change”. Naw I ain’t talking bout menopause I did that years ago. Anyhow, over the past few weeks I realized a few thangs and I thought it be best that I share them with yall. But first let me thanks Mabel for being by my side and baking 9 pound cakes to makes me feel better. I sho appreciate her I just wish she woulda saved me at least one piece of cake. That women den gained 15 pounds over the last two weeks being a good friend to me. I loves her dearly with her fat greedy rolly polly tail. Anyway this is what I wanted to share with yall.
Few weeks ago Pastor preached on fornication and chile I got so convicted that I rushed home and told my sugar son Tyron he needed to marry me if he wanted to continue bumping and grinding. That boy toy had the nerves to tell me I was too old for him. Needless to say it’s ova betweens him and me and I’ve decided that I ain’t messing with younger mens no more. For now on I’m only gettin with good Godly mens like deacons, preachers, and the ones that faithfully clean up the church house Sunday after Sunday.
One of my 13 childrens is a nurse and she had her job come to the church house to give the mother’s board free exams. Well they took our urine and for some reason mine dropped dirty. And according to my daughter it was durty durty! My daughter was so embarrassed that she ain’t talked to her dear old sweet mama in two weeks. So I’ve decided that glaucoma medicine ain’t worth losing my childrens. I’d rather lose my eye sight then lose one of my babies. Plus my grandson got locked up the otha day and the supply won’t be plentiful like it was when he was living with me. Something about having to pay for the weed on a fixed income helps make me wanna quit. Course I’m really doing it to save me and my baby girls relationship.
I did care for Tyron for more than his body so course I went through a tad bit when we broke up. I found myself turning to Crown Royal instead of the good Lawd. I drank so much Crown Royal in one night that I was releasing waste from both ends at the same time (If you knows what I mean). Anyway, this went on for 3 whole days and it got so bad that Mabel had to buy me a pack of Depends cause I just couldn’t keep it in (if you knows what I mean). On the fourth day I got enough strength to soak in some Epsom Salt but as you probably know my tail was so raw from all that releasing (if you knows what I mean) that it burned like the devil had a torch to my ass (forgive me Lawd) in 150 degree heat while the stove is on. Anyway I’m proud to say I ain’t had a drank in 7 days and counting. Everytime I thanks about dranking I imagine me dranking myself to death and dying in a grown folk pamper with a diaper rash on my ass (forgive Lawd) and going straight to hell. Lawd knows I’ve had an affair with Crown Royal for more years than I can even recall but it just ain’t worth it. I’m a lady and I’m going out with dignity not in no damn diaper.
So babies, I need yall to pray for old Ruthie Ann cause I got a New Attitude like that Patty gurl say and the THRILL IS GONE! Take Care Now.
Few weeks ago Pastor preached on fornication and chile I got so convicted that I rushed home and told my sugar son Tyron he needed to marry me if he wanted to continue bumping and grinding. That boy toy had the nerves to tell me I was too old for him. Needless to say it’s ova betweens him and me and I’ve decided that I ain’t messing with younger mens no more. For now on I’m only gettin with good Godly mens like deacons, preachers, and the ones that faithfully clean up the church house Sunday after Sunday.
One of my 13 childrens is a nurse and she had her job come to the church house to give the mother’s board free exams. Well they took our urine and for some reason mine dropped dirty. And according to my daughter it was durty durty! My daughter was so embarrassed that she ain’t talked to her dear old sweet mama in two weeks. So I’ve decided that glaucoma medicine ain’t worth losing my childrens. I’d rather lose my eye sight then lose one of my babies. Plus my grandson got locked up the otha day and the supply won’t be plentiful like it was when he was living with me. Something about having to pay for the weed on a fixed income helps make me wanna quit. Course I’m really doing it to save me and my baby girls relationship.
I did care for Tyron for more than his body so course I went through a tad bit when we broke up. I found myself turning to Crown Royal instead of the good Lawd. I drank so much Crown Royal in one night that I was releasing waste from both ends at the same time (If you knows what I mean). Anyway, this went on for 3 whole days and it got so bad that Mabel had to buy me a pack of Depends cause I just couldn’t keep it in (if you knows what I mean). On the fourth day I got enough strength to soak in some Epsom Salt but as you probably know my tail was so raw from all that releasing (if you knows what I mean) that it burned like the devil had a torch to my ass (forgive me Lawd) in 150 degree heat while the stove is on. Anyway I’m proud to say I ain’t had a drank in 7 days and counting. Everytime I thanks about dranking I imagine me dranking myself to death and dying in a grown folk pamper with a diaper rash on my ass (forgive Lawd) and going straight to hell. Lawd knows I’ve had an affair with Crown Royal for more years than I can even recall but it just ain’t worth it. I’m a lady and I’m going out with dignity not in no damn diaper.
So babies, I need yall to pray for old Ruthie Ann cause I got a New Attitude like that Patty gurl say and the THRILL IS GONE! Take Care Now.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Yall So Nosey - Part 1
Well babies these sho was some good questions and Lawd knows me and Mabel gone try to answer them best we can. We sho wasn’t expecting so manys nosey peoples to be all up in our business. So we den decided to take a few questions at a time and pretends like we some rich and famous peoples getting interviewed. Yall take care now.
Dreamcop08 Questions:
OKAY I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YALL ZODIAC SIGNS ARE?
Ruthie Ann: Baby I’m representing for the Leos. And you bets believe I’m a lioness when it comes to my childrens and in the bedroom. If you knows what I mean.
Ms Mabel: A lioness, Ruthie Ann please. Chile, more like a monkey with her goofy looking self. Child look just like a monkey and almost got picked up by the animal patrol. If I weren’t for me, she’d be somewhere being fed carrots and bananas. See, I’m a Capricorn all day long. A Christian Capricorn at that – CC is what I calls myself. Don’t get me started cause they used to call me a triple threat – a CCC. That’s a Cute Christian Capricorn. Halleluyer.
HOW WAS IT GROWING UP IN YOUR TIME?
Ruthie Ann: Believe it or not we was still picking cotton when me and Mabel was childrens. Course they gave us a penny for the labor. It was tuff but what don’t kill ya will only make ya strong. Imma let Mabel talk more bout this cause I tends to get emotional when I thanks back that far. It hurts to know that my breastes just ain’t as perky as they used to be when I growing up.
Ms. Mabel: I know I don’t look a day over 79, but it was rough child. We grew up in the south so we had heat like the inside of the devil’s ass. We picked cotton, we picked beans, we picked squash, hell, we picked everything we could. Ruthie Ann chose to pick men, I guess. Times is so much better now. Me and LB is in the prime of our lives and we can sit back and enjoy our lives and look at how far we’s came. You see, it’s important to take a little time and remember where you came from.
WHAT DO YALL LIKE TO DO OUTSIDE OF CHURCH TO HAVE FUN BESIDES SMOKING THAT GLAUCOMA MEDICINE?
Ruthie Ann: Well personally speaking I’m a widow 7 times as a matter fact so I’m free to come and go as I choose. Sometimes I tends to go the club and have a few dranks and course do the Electric Slide. When me and Mabel gets together we likes to make our famous hog head cheese and talk about peoples. And spend some one on one time on top of Tyron of course.
Ms. Mabel: Child, I loves me a good piece of hog head cheese on a bagel. The ladies at the church call me uppity, but who cares. I loves to sun bathe. Course, I gotta do it privately because my body is the temple of the Lawd and nobody sees Ms. Mabel’s gems but my husband. Besides sun bathing, I loves to rub my feet in that good green alcohol from Walgreen’s, I likes to make my good turnips and corn bread dish, and I loves to play a spell of bid whist. I’m the reigning champion down at the church. Them heffa’s don’t know what the deal is. I sets it off everytime.
WHERE IS MS MABEL AT I HEAR A LOT FROM MS RUTHIE ANN?
Ruthie Ann: Chile her fat tail be around she can’t respond as much with her hands full with sandwiches and all. If you ever wanna know greedy than look at Mabel wide tail and introduce ya self.
Ms. Mabel: You know, that Ruthie Ann got so much time on her hands. Hell, all she do is go from man to man. I’m much more conservative and classy and I have a life and an agenda. Just cause I’m in retirement don’t mean I just lays around and do absolutely nothing like Ruthie does. I be’s here, but working this computer ain’t the easiest thang in the world to learn how to do. Yall just bear with me and I’ll be making my rounds.
WHAT MADE YALL DECIDE TO START BLOGGING?
Ruthie Ann: Well truth be told one day I was smoking some of my glaucoma medicine and I decided to sat down and use my grandson computer. You know we been taking them computer classes down at the church for the past year so I knew how to get on the line. Mabel slow and she just ain't caught on as quick as yours truly. Anyways, I musta been tweeking as yall youngsters put it cause I went to put in http://www.baldspot.com/ and ended up here.
Ms. Mabel: Ruthie Ann typed in http://www.baldspot.com/, and I was looking for some medicine for LB’s bladder problem and I typed in http://www.bladderspot.com/. Because me and Ruthie talks about everything we told each other. Child, we said let's get us a blogspot. We figured it was a sign from God so we signed up and took us a cute ol’ picture together with our Sunday’s best on, and the next thang you know we’s writing stuff for the whole world to see.
Nicole, Inc Questions:
HAVE YOU ALL BEEN MARRIED AND IF SO WAS IT JUST ONCE OR MULTIPLE TIMES?
Ruthie Ann: Baby my marriages been like my orgasms when I’m with my sugason (opposite of sugar daddy) Tyron. That would be MULTIPLE. 7 times to be exact and they all have gone on to glory. Bless they hearts and praise God for the insurance monies.
Ms. Mabel: I’ve been married to the same man for 54 years. Yes, me and LB is still in the same love we been in when we met in high school. Of course that triflin’ ass Ruthie Ann almost stole my husband before he was my husband. I had to get that heffa straight back in the day. I had on my cute cheerleading uniform (with my coffee knee-highs of course) and one day I told her about herself. She let go and it’s been me and LB since – in all of our marital bliss. I loves him. Maybe one day I’ll post our wedding picture together. Course, back then the cameras wasn’t as good as they were now, so we got us a sketch instead.
WHAT DO YOU ALL THINK ABOUT WOMEN WEARING PANTS TO CHURCH?
Ruthie Ann: Baby it don’t bother me none. The good Lawd says come as you are. Now Mother Edna stank breath self has a fit when she sees the womens in pants. Only reason I hate them wearing pants is cause she gon talk bout it for days. Hell I’ll pay the womens to wear dresses to keep her stank mouth closed.
Ms. Mabel: A real woman always wears her a good floral pattern dress or skirt with the good pleats in them. A woman’s accessory should always be either nude or coffee stockings or knee-highs, you know, the kind that roll up right around the knee area. That’s what real womens wear. The womens in the bible wore them and child, we oughta follow their example. I see some of these young thangs walking around the church today, look like they on their way to a beach somewhere having them sarongs on. You can’t wear a sarong when your body is all so wrong. They need to join me in my jazzercise class. I will show them how to do it!!!
DO YOU HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS FOR SINGLE WOMEN IN THE CHURCH?
Ruthie Ann: Just wait for the Lawd to send you a man. I kept looking and I still never found Mr Right after 7 tries. Being with all them wrong ones was only worth it when they died. Them insurance checks sho come in handy course you know I had to tithe.
Ms. Mabel: If you get a man, don’t leave the poor child around Ruthie Ann for too long. I loves her, she’s like my sister. But her ass is as trifling as a man wearing a dirty shirt with the ring around the collar. I’m telling you what God loves…the truth.
Queen of my Castle Questions:
DO YALL GO TO OR TEACH SUNDAY SCHOOL?
Ruthie Ann: Baby what type of question is that? Course good saints like us tend Sunday school. Unlessing I had a long night with Tyron then I might miss Sunday School but chile’ that’s only bout 3 Sundays out the month.
Ms. Mabel: I used to teach Sunday School. They don’t hardly let me teach no more. They say reason being is because I cuss too much. All I be trying to do is get my point across. They told me using the word hoe and Christian in the same sentence aint Christ-like. So now I don’t hardly go these days. Screw them. I almost set it off in the church one time. I had to remember where I was at.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN WOMEN PREACHERS?
Ruthie Ann: I thanks the Lawd can use anybody including womens and young childrens. One thang bout me I ain’t stuck in my ways. Now every now and then I might get stuck in a position and my sugar son Tyron has to help me up but that’s about it. My body jus ain’t flexible like it used to be. I reckon that comes with ole’ age.
Ms. Mabel: I believes in women preachers only if she’s wearing a floral print dress or skirt with nude of coffee knee-highs rolled up round about the knee. Then I knows she’s a woman of God.
WHERE DOES ALL THE BUILDING FUND MONEY GO?
Ruthie Ann: Chile you ain’t gon get me to lying. Hell I wonders that ma self sometimes. I ain’t gossiping but we been collecting for the building fund for five years and all I knows is the Deacons all got new tupays and matching ties. Now you tell me what’s really goin on.
Ms. Mabel: Chile, ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies. Ain’t no telling where the money goes. I heard that Pastor was on a trip to Ochos Rios recently. Came back and there was a dip in the resources. That’s why I don’t tithe or give to the church no more. Hell, I got better thangs to do with my money. Besides, if I give all of my fixed income to the church then how am I gonna ever get rich playing bingo and hitting the penny slots down at the local casino?
Dreamcop08 Questions:
OKAY I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YALL ZODIAC SIGNS ARE?
Ruthie Ann: Baby I’m representing for the Leos. And you bets believe I’m a lioness when it comes to my childrens and in the bedroom. If you knows what I mean.
Ms Mabel: A lioness, Ruthie Ann please. Chile, more like a monkey with her goofy looking self. Child look just like a monkey and almost got picked up by the animal patrol. If I weren’t for me, she’d be somewhere being fed carrots and bananas. See, I’m a Capricorn all day long. A Christian Capricorn at that – CC is what I calls myself. Don’t get me started cause they used to call me a triple threat – a CCC. That’s a Cute Christian Capricorn. Halleluyer.
HOW WAS IT GROWING UP IN YOUR TIME?
Ruthie Ann: Believe it or not we was still picking cotton when me and Mabel was childrens. Course they gave us a penny for the labor. It was tuff but what don’t kill ya will only make ya strong. Imma let Mabel talk more bout this cause I tends to get emotional when I thanks back that far. It hurts to know that my breastes just ain’t as perky as they used to be when I growing up.
Ms. Mabel: I know I don’t look a day over 79, but it was rough child. We grew up in the south so we had heat like the inside of the devil’s ass. We picked cotton, we picked beans, we picked squash, hell, we picked everything we could. Ruthie Ann chose to pick men, I guess. Times is so much better now. Me and LB is in the prime of our lives and we can sit back and enjoy our lives and look at how far we’s came. You see, it’s important to take a little time and remember where you came from.
WHAT DO YALL LIKE TO DO OUTSIDE OF CHURCH TO HAVE FUN BESIDES SMOKING THAT GLAUCOMA MEDICINE?
Ruthie Ann: Well personally speaking I’m a widow 7 times as a matter fact so I’m free to come and go as I choose. Sometimes I tends to go the club and have a few dranks and course do the Electric Slide. When me and Mabel gets together we likes to make our famous hog head cheese and talk about peoples. And spend some one on one time on top of Tyron of course.
Ms. Mabel: Child, I loves me a good piece of hog head cheese on a bagel. The ladies at the church call me uppity, but who cares. I loves to sun bathe. Course, I gotta do it privately because my body is the temple of the Lawd and nobody sees Ms. Mabel’s gems but my husband. Besides sun bathing, I loves to rub my feet in that good green alcohol from Walgreen’s, I likes to make my good turnips and corn bread dish, and I loves to play a spell of bid whist. I’m the reigning champion down at the church. Them heffa’s don’t know what the deal is. I sets it off everytime.
WHERE IS MS MABEL AT I HEAR A LOT FROM MS RUTHIE ANN?
Ruthie Ann: Chile her fat tail be around she can’t respond as much with her hands full with sandwiches and all. If you ever wanna know greedy than look at Mabel wide tail and introduce ya self.
Ms. Mabel: You know, that Ruthie Ann got so much time on her hands. Hell, all she do is go from man to man. I’m much more conservative and classy and I have a life and an agenda. Just cause I’m in retirement don’t mean I just lays around and do absolutely nothing like Ruthie does. I be’s here, but working this computer ain’t the easiest thang in the world to learn how to do. Yall just bear with me and I’ll be making my rounds.
WHAT MADE YALL DECIDE TO START BLOGGING?
Ruthie Ann: Well truth be told one day I was smoking some of my glaucoma medicine and I decided to sat down and use my grandson computer. You know we been taking them computer classes down at the church for the past year so I knew how to get on the line. Mabel slow and she just ain't caught on as quick as yours truly. Anyways, I musta been tweeking as yall youngsters put it cause I went to put in http://www.baldspot.com/ and ended up here.
Ms. Mabel: Ruthie Ann typed in http://www.baldspot.com/, and I was looking for some medicine for LB’s bladder problem and I typed in http://www.bladderspot.com/. Because me and Ruthie talks about everything we told each other. Child, we said let's get us a blogspot. We figured it was a sign from God so we signed up and took us a cute ol’ picture together with our Sunday’s best on, and the next thang you know we’s writing stuff for the whole world to see.
Nicole, Inc Questions:
HAVE YOU ALL BEEN MARRIED AND IF SO WAS IT JUST ONCE OR MULTIPLE TIMES?
Ruthie Ann: Baby my marriages been like my orgasms when I’m with my sugason (opposite of sugar daddy) Tyron. That would be MULTIPLE. 7 times to be exact and they all have gone on to glory. Bless they hearts and praise God for the insurance monies.
Ms. Mabel: I’ve been married to the same man for 54 years. Yes, me and LB is still in the same love we been in when we met in high school. Of course that triflin’ ass Ruthie Ann almost stole my husband before he was my husband. I had to get that heffa straight back in the day. I had on my cute cheerleading uniform (with my coffee knee-highs of course) and one day I told her about herself. She let go and it’s been me and LB since – in all of our marital bliss. I loves him. Maybe one day I’ll post our wedding picture together. Course, back then the cameras wasn’t as good as they were now, so we got us a sketch instead.
WHAT DO YOU ALL THINK ABOUT WOMEN WEARING PANTS TO CHURCH?
Ruthie Ann: Baby it don’t bother me none. The good Lawd says come as you are. Now Mother Edna stank breath self has a fit when she sees the womens in pants. Only reason I hate them wearing pants is cause she gon talk bout it for days. Hell I’ll pay the womens to wear dresses to keep her stank mouth closed.
Ms. Mabel: A real woman always wears her a good floral pattern dress or skirt with the good pleats in them. A woman’s accessory should always be either nude or coffee stockings or knee-highs, you know, the kind that roll up right around the knee area. That’s what real womens wear. The womens in the bible wore them and child, we oughta follow their example. I see some of these young thangs walking around the church today, look like they on their way to a beach somewhere having them sarongs on. You can’t wear a sarong when your body is all so wrong. They need to join me in my jazzercise class. I will show them how to do it!!!
DO YOU HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS FOR SINGLE WOMEN IN THE CHURCH?
Ruthie Ann: Just wait for the Lawd to send you a man. I kept looking and I still never found Mr Right after 7 tries. Being with all them wrong ones was only worth it when they died. Them insurance checks sho come in handy course you know I had to tithe.
Ms. Mabel: If you get a man, don’t leave the poor child around Ruthie Ann for too long. I loves her, she’s like my sister. But her ass is as trifling as a man wearing a dirty shirt with the ring around the collar. I’m telling you what God loves…the truth.
Queen of my Castle Questions:
DO YALL GO TO OR TEACH SUNDAY SCHOOL?
Ruthie Ann: Baby what type of question is that? Course good saints like us tend Sunday school. Unlessing I had a long night with Tyron then I might miss Sunday School but chile’ that’s only bout 3 Sundays out the month.
Ms. Mabel: I used to teach Sunday School. They don’t hardly let me teach no more. They say reason being is because I cuss too much. All I be trying to do is get my point across. They told me using the word hoe and Christian in the same sentence aint Christ-like. So now I don’t hardly go these days. Screw them. I almost set it off in the church one time. I had to remember where I was at.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN WOMEN PREACHERS?
Ruthie Ann: I thanks the Lawd can use anybody including womens and young childrens. One thang bout me I ain’t stuck in my ways. Now every now and then I might get stuck in a position and my sugar son Tyron has to help me up but that’s about it. My body jus ain’t flexible like it used to be. I reckon that comes with ole’ age.
Ms. Mabel: I believes in women preachers only if she’s wearing a floral print dress or skirt with nude of coffee knee-highs rolled up round about the knee. Then I knows she’s a woman of God.
WHERE DOES ALL THE BUILDING FUND MONEY GO?
Ruthie Ann: Chile you ain’t gon get me to lying. Hell I wonders that ma self sometimes. I ain’t gossiping but we been collecting for the building fund for five years and all I knows is the Deacons all got new tupays and matching ties. Now you tell me what’s really goin on.
Ms. Mabel: Chile, ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies. Ain’t no telling where the money goes. I heard that Pastor was on a trip to Ochos Rios recently. Came back and there was a dip in the resources. That’s why I don’t tithe or give to the church no more. Hell, I got better thangs to do with my money. Besides, if I give all of my fixed income to the church then how am I gonna ever get rich playing bingo and hitting the penny slots down at the local casino?
Friday, May 23, 2008
Yall Can Be Nosey
Praises to the LAWD!!!
We been reading the blogs and we hears that peoples wants to know more about us. So, we's giving yall the opportunity.
Go ahead. Ask us whatever it is yall wants to know. Me and Ruthie Ann is prepared to answer them.
-Mrs. Mabel & Ruthie Ann
We been reading the blogs and we hears that peoples wants to know more about us. So, we's giving yall the opportunity.
Go ahead. Ask us whatever it is yall wants to know. Me and Ruthie Ann is prepared to answer them.
-Mrs. Mabel & Ruthie Ann
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Is It Hypnotic??
To EVERYBODY
*Ruthie Ann is speaking*
“Me and Mabel has been reading all the wonderfuls blogs and we sho is inspired. We first wanna give praises to the Almighty King, Lord of Lords, Jesus Christ our Savior. Then we wanna recognize and honor alls the lay peoples in the congregation. We specially happy to acknowledge the Mothers of the house ova there in the first three rows. Mothers wave your handkerchiefs in the air. Look at them family ain’t theys pretty in them white hats. Praise the Lawd. Theys been round longer than most yall. Church say AMEN. Some of yall was still wetting your daddy’s dreams when those there Mothers joined the church. Dem there some dedicated prayer warriors too yall. Bless they hearts. Oh Lawd my throat sho is getting dry. Oh cuse me, Uusher is there some more of that blue stuff left for me to get a spill? I just needs a tasty taste. Lawd Mabel you finish talking chile’ while I see what that drank really is!”
*Mrs. Mabel is speaking*
Um, yes, well Praises to God. He's worthy ain't he. While Mabel gets a little something for her to drank. My testimony is gonna be short and sweet. You know, I thanks God for life. Chile, Sister Odessa didn't make it, Mother Geneva is on life support right now, but you know what...God is still good. That ol' heffa oughta be on life support though. Serves her ass, oops, I can't say that in the Lawd's house. Anyways, I'm standing before you to testify that we believes the Pastor be getting tipsy in service. How do we knows?
1. We saw the pastor at Rothschild Liquors this past weekend. We was there doing missions work, why was he there?
2. The pastor be trying to speak in tongues and he doesn't have that giftin...yall knows that. Besides, saying "can you work it, let me work it, put that thang down, flip it, and reverse it" ain't holy languages.
3. Doing the Casper Slide instead of the Holy Dance ain't right.
4. Instead of sanging our usual morning hymn when we's done, Pastor was sanging the words to Mariah Carey's new song Touch My Body.
So, yalls needs to be the jurdge. What do pastor be having in his cup? Why come it be so blue? Now I knows when I have my evening communion sometimes with Ruthie Ann our jesus juice be blue too, but it don't be all that holy. Please don't jurdge us! Hallelujah.
Question family? If you too want to know or already knows what in the world is that blue drank in the Pastors glass, you knows the glass sitting at the right hand of the pulpit then please come to the podium and tell us chile'. Is it Hypnotic?
-The Pew View Ladies
PS: Don't jurdge us! Halleluyer!
*Ruthie Ann is speaking*
“Me and Mabel has been reading all the wonderfuls blogs and we sho is inspired. We first wanna give praises to the Almighty King, Lord of Lords, Jesus Christ our Savior. Then we wanna recognize and honor alls the lay peoples in the congregation. We specially happy to acknowledge the Mothers of the house ova there in the first three rows. Mothers wave your handkerchiefs in the air. Look at them family ain’t theys pretty in them white hats. Praise the Lawd. Theys been round longer than most yall. Church say AMEN. Some of yall was still wetting your daddy’s dreams when those there Mothers joined the church. Dem there some dedicated prayer warriors too yall. Bless they hearts. Oh Lawd my throat sho is getting dry. Oh cuse me, Uusher is there some more of that blue stuff left for me to get a spill? I just needs a tasty taste. Lawd Mabel you finish talking chile’ while I see what that drank really is!”
*Mrs. Mabel is speaking*
Um, yes, well Praises to God. He's worthy ain't he. While Mabel gets a little something for her to drank. My testimony is gonna be short and sweet. You know, I thanks God for life. Chile, Sister Odessa didn't make it, Mother Geneva is on life support right now, but you know what...God is still good. That ol' heffa oughta be on life support though. Serves her ass, oops, I can't say that in the Lawd's house. Anyways, I'm standing before you to testify that we believes the Pastor be getting tipsy in service. How do we knows?
1. We saw the pastor at Rothschild Liquors this past weekend. We was there doing missions work, why was he there?
2. The pastor be trying to speak in tongues and he doesn't have that giftin...yall knows that. Besides, saying "can you work it, let me work it, put that thang down, flip it, and reverse it" ain't holy languages.
3. Doing the Casper Slide instead of the Holy Dance ain't right.
4. Instead of sanging our usual morning hymn when we's done, Pastor was sanging the words to Mariah Carey's new song Touch My Body.
So, yalls needs to be the jurdge. What do pastor be having in his cup? Why come it be so blue? Now I knows when I have my evening communion sometimes with Ruthie Ann our jesus juice be blue too, but it don't be all that holy. Please don't jurdge us! Hallelujah.
Question family? If you too want to know or already knows what in the world is that blue drank in the Pastors glass, you knows the glass sitting at the right hand of the pulpit then please come to the podium and tell us chile'. Is it Hypnotic?
-The Pew View Ladies
PS: Don't jurdge us! Halleluyer!
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
The Mother's Board Meetin'
Lawd knows I love being on the Mother’s board, but them old hags bore me to death. This past Tuesday we had our monthly meeting and I prepared ma’self for death row by inhaling some on my glaucoma medicine. Baby let me tell you my grandson keeps him a stash of dat gunja in his coat pocket. Dumb chile’ thanks I don’t know bout it but I be pinching off it every chance I get. Why is it that peoples who smoke weed don’t thank otha peoples know they smoke weed? They lips and finger tips be all burned and they eyes be all red. They come in eatin all the damn cereals in the house. See an experienced woman like me knows how to keep mine on the down low. I puts me on a pair of them operation gloves so my fangers don’t stank and get burned up. I puts on my big church hat and pops a mint in my mouth. Then I sprayss on some of my favorites floral perfume. Chile' them deacons knows they loves my perfume. Everytime I walks pass one of them they jus be smiling and thangs.
Anyway, the Mother's board meeting was okay cept Mother Wilma is a one long winded prayer. Seems to me she prays a whole damn novel. Hell I was ready to get up out that church house and head to my house cause I had my suger son (opposite of suger daddy) Tyron there waiting for me in them black boxer briefs I likes to see him in. For all the ladies that aint got no suger son you mights wanna get you one. Them younger mens don't be needing no viagra likes them mens my age. Take care now.
Signed
Ruthie Ann
Anyway, the Mother's board meeting was okay cept Mother Wilma is a one long winded prayer. Seems to me she prays a whole damn novel. Hell I was ready to get up out that church house and head to my house cause I had my suger son (opposite of suger daddy) Tyron there waiting for me in them black boxer briefs I likes to see him in. For all the ladies that aint got no suger son you mights wanna get you one. Them younger mens don't be needing no viagra likes them mens my age. Take care now.
Signed
Ruthie Ann
Top 10 Ways We Spending our Stimulus Check
Praises be to the almighty God. We's thankful, yes we are, for all the responses we been getting. Yall, keep em coming.
So, we been thanking. I asked Ruthie Ann what's the best way we gonna spend our stimulus check money. She came up with some ideas, and sho nuff, I did too. After we goes to the check cashing store, we going shopping. I sincerely hopes yall go on out and try some of our ideas. We will...hell, and we may even post some pictures.
With Love,
Mrs. Mabel & Mrs. Ruthie
Ruthie Ann's Top 5
5. Underwear - Child, you can throw out all of your old bloomers and get cha some new ones with this money. Now personally we recommends Hanes Her way cuz they comes in different sizes, colors, and styles. Course, every once and again we womens likes to feel sexy, so we gets the one with that string that goes up ya rear. They really ain't so bad, 'cept last time took me forever to remember where that damn strang had gone. I guess that's what happens when you got all these preserves as Mabel would say.
4. A Party - Whew baby, now we all loves us a good party every once and again. I says this, whenever we gets some extra money down here in the south we do us a little C & C Party. We calls it Collards and Chitlin's. We loves both, we fries them, boils them, bakes them, even stews them. Problem is our stomachs ain't as ripe as they used to be. So, we gets us some Dulcolax and some fiber pills as a chaser to them chitlin's and collards. Don't go too far from the house after you done eatin, don't wanna mess around and um...mess around, if you knows what I means!
3. Hair - Wigs chile, wigs. Now at our ages you know it's hard to keep your 'do looking fresh. See, my current suga son (opposite of a suga daddy) keeps trying to get too damn freaky deaky and he ends up pulling my good hair all the time. Course, he's the one I'm committed to...at the time, so I needs to make sure I'm wearing my good wig on our freaky days. Problem is ain't no telling when little Tyron's little one is gonna be ready, so like Pastor always says, be ye also ready. Chile, I'm gonna get me two good wigs that way when Tyron pulls the first good one, I'll have that good ol' ram in the bush!
2. Knee Highs - Child, talking about fashion - this is a must have. We done worn our nudes one so much during the Mother's appreciation, usher's appreciation, choir's appreciation, deacon's appreciation, and pastor's appreciation that we got runs all in our knee highs. And since you know ain't no good ensemble complete or couture enough without our nude knee highs - we can appreciate ourselves by picking us up a couple of new pairs. Now don't yall walk out that house without no good knee highs on, ladies never do that. Hell, that Devil will make a fool outta you...only if you let him.
4. Giving Back - Time and time again Ruthie Ann and myself, we talks about how we needs to help these young gals with jelly 'stead of preserves. So we says we gonna start some type of program where we can teach these girls the golden rule. So many times they just giving it away. Don't save nothing for their husband, for marriage. I never did understand it. You know ya wedding night should be special. You should be untouched. Course, there's a difference if you giving it away for a cause. Before LB and I got all caught up for real, I was only giving it away for hook-ups and come-ups. If you weren't coming out with the cash, I wasn't giving up no a--. And I meant that! Chile, I got tired of upgrading these sorry deacons and trustees. I had done a good work! Anyway, we gone teach the young gals how to sell the cow, instead of just giving the milk away for free.
3. Ministry - Yes, chile - we can't forget that we is some saved, sanctified, womens of God! Halleluyer. So, we got to give back in ministry. Yall heard about Mother Edna on that front row with her breath stankin'. Since we wrote that we been getting e-mails from so many people down at the church telling us that there are others in the church with stank breath. Child, we is starting the first ever Mint Ministry. Yes! If yo breath aint the best, then child, you pass the test. Just raise your hand and we will pass you a mint. Of course, we will need a treasurer and secretary for our auxillary. Anybody want to volunteer. We needs people with fresh breath and no sticky fingers to stand at the front door and pass out mints. Praise God!
2. PSA - What's the name of them thangs the po po's have on their car, them loud speaker thangs, that's what I need. Chile, I can be walking down to the local Walgreen's to pick up my green rubbin' alcohol and some epson salt, and I knows I'm fine as wine - that's why LB loves me so, but I get mens trying to holla at a sister all the time. What I don't understand is that why I gotta be Beyonce? Why do you holla at me so I can upgrade you? I never did understand that. Child, they looks a mess - always got balding hair trying to hold on to the little bit that's left. Next time some grown man with a comb over tries to get these digits, I'm gonna use my portable P.A. System and shout "WHEN IN DOUBT AND IT WON'T GROW, CUT IT OFF AND LET IT GO!"
1. Save - Now don't be no fool. Child, we in a recession and times is hard. I remember back in my day when times were hard, they were, but at least we could get a gallon of milk and some gas. Course, it was .11 cents a gallon back then. You youngin's better wake up and realize we in hard times. Get you a good sock (hell, I'll send yall one of our old knee highs) and put you some money in it and stuff it under your mattress for a rainy day. I would say put them in Ruthie Ann's titties (Lawd knows they big enough), but her men steals and I don't want yall blaming me when ya money is gone.
Alrighty then, we ain't gonna hold yall. We'll give yall an update on Friday before we go to the fish fry down at the church. That Edna got some stank breath, but that old heffa know she can fry up some catfish and make some good cabbages!
-Ruthie Ann & Mrs. Mabel
So, we been thanking. I asked Ruthie Ann what's the best way we gonna spend our stimulus check money. She came up with some ideas, and sho nuff, I did too. After we goes to the check cashing store, we going shopping. I sincerely hopes yall go on out and try some of our ideas. We will...hell, and we may even post some pictures.
With Love,
Mrs. Mabel & Mrs. Ruthie
Ruthie Ann's Top 5
5. Underwear - Child, you can throw out all of your old bloomers and get cha some new ones with this money. Now personally we recommends Hanes Her way cuz they comes in different sizes, colors, and styles. Course, every once and again we womens likes to feel sexy, so we gets the one with that string that goes up ya rear. They really ain't so bad, 'cept last time took me forever to remember where that damn strang had gone. I guess that's what happens when you got all these preserves as Mabel would say.
4. A Party - Whew baby, now we all loves us a good party every once and again. I says this, whenever we gets some extra money down here in the south we do us a little C & C Party. We calls it Collards and Chitlin's. We loves both, we fries them, boils them, bakes them, even stews them. Problem is our stomachs ain't as ripe as they used to be. So, we gets us some Dulcolax and some fiber pills as a chaser to them chitlin's and collards. Don't go too far from the house after you done eatin, don't wanna mess around and um...mess around, if you knows what I means!
3. Hair - Wigs chile, wigs. Now at our ages you know it's hard to keep your 'do looking fresh. See, my current suga son (opposite of a suga daddy) keeps trying to get too damn freaky deaky and he ends up pulling my good hair all the time. Course, he's the one I'm committed to...at the time, so I needs to make sure I'm wearing my good wig on our freaky days. Problem is ain't no telling when little Tyron's little one is gonna be ready, so like Pastor always says, be ye also ready. Chile, I'm gonna get me two good wigs that way when Tyron pulls the first good one, I'll have that good ol' ram in the bush!
2. Knee Highs - Child, talking about fashion - this is a must have. We done worn our nudes one so much during the Mother's appreciation, usher's appreciation, choir's appreciation, deacon's appreciation, and pastor's appreciation that we got runs all in our knee highs. And since you know ain't no good ensemble complete or couture enough without our nude knee highs - we can appreciate ourselves by picking us up a couple of new pairs. Now don't yall walk out that house without no good knee highs on, ladies never do that. Hell, that Devil will make a fool outta you...only if you let him.
5. Casino Night - Of course you knows we gotta plan a trip down to the local casino with our good wigs and nude knee highs. Alls we doing is evangelism, right? We spreading the good news about Jesus and playing our lady luck at the same time. Ain't nothing wrong with that. Now the pastor is always preachin' bout being a giver...so with our checks, we gonna give. And in this case we hoping our giving comes back to us 100 fold, pressed together, shaken over, and running down (or however that goes, child they got me up in here trying something called jose cuervo).
Mrs. Mabel's Top 5
5. Starbucks - Talking about addiction - you gotta treats yaself to some of that good name brand stuff. Now Ruthie Ann usually drinks an off brand instant coffee (she's common chile, common folks will do anything these days. Remember that woman at the well - common). Anyways, Lawd knows we loves us some good coffee - so get some every once in a while (side note: if you anything like that Ruthie Ann, then you'll get a half pint of Brandy and put a shot in your coffee. She says it adds to the flavor that's all). That's probably why that heffa mistakes her good wig for that foolish one her suga son done pulled all outta shape. I shole hope she uses protection. That Ruthie Mae shole is one rolling stone!4. Giving Back - Time and time again Ruthie Ann and myself, we talks about how we needs to help these young gals with jelly 'stead of preserves. So we says we gonna start some type of program where we can teach these girls the golden rule. So many times they just giving it away. Don't save nothing for their husband, for marriage. I never did understand it. You know ya wedding night should be special. You should be untouched. Course, there's a difference if you giving it away for a cause. Before LB and I got all caught up for real, I was only giving it away for hook-ups and come-ups. If you weren't coming out with the cash, I wasn't giving up no a--. And I meant that! Chile, I got tired of upgrading these sorry deacons and trustees. I had done a good work! Anyway, we gone teach the young gals how to sell the cow, instead of just giving the milk away for free.
3. Ministry - Yes, chile - we can't forget that we is some saved, sanctified, womens of God! Halleluyer. So, we got to give back in ministry. Yall heard about Mother Edna on that front row with her breath stankin'. Since we wrote that we been getting e-mails from so many people down at the church telling us that there are others in the church with stank breath. Child, we is starting the first ever Mint Ministry. Yes! If yo breath aint the best, then child, you pass the test. Just raise your hand and we will pass you a mint. Of course, we will need a treasurer and secretary for our auxillary. Anybody want to volunteer. We needs people with fresh breath and no sticky fingers to stand at the front door and pass out mints. Praise God!
2. PSA - What's the name of them thangs the po po's have on their car, them loud speaker thangs, that's what I need. Chile, I can be walking down to the local Walgreen's to pick up my green rubbin' alcohol and some epson salt, and I knows I'm fine as wine - that's why LB loves me so, but I get mens trying to holla at a sister all the time. What I don't understand is that why I gotta be Beyonce? Why do you holla at me so I can upgrade you? I never did understand that. Child, they looks a mess - always got balding hair trying to hold on to the little bit that's left. Next time some grown man with a comb over tries to get these digits, I'm gonna use my portable P.A. System and shout "WHEN IN DOUBT AND IT WON'T GROW, CUT IT OFF AND LET IT GO!"
1. Save - Now don't be no fool. Child, we in a recession and times is hard. I remember back in my day when times were hard, they were, but at least we could get a gallon of milk and some gas. Course, it was .11 cents a gallon back then. You youngin's better wake up and realize we in hard times. Get you a good sock (hell, I'll send yall one of our old knee highs) and put you some money in it and stuff it under your mattress for a rainy day. I would say put them in Ruthie Ann's titties (Lawd knows they big enough), but her men steals and I don't want yall blaming me when ya money is gone.
Alrighty then, we ain't gonna hold yall. We'll give yall an update on Friday before we go to the fish fry down at the church. That Edna got some stank breath, but that old heffa know she can fry up some catfish and make some good cabbages!
-Ruthie Ann & Mrs. Mabel
Monday, May 12, 2008
Pastor Preaching and Thangs...
Well praise the lawd babies. Seems as though our responses is getting more and more. Ruthie Ann and maself are ova here tryna figure out how to work all this fancy stuff. Course, when you got the Lawd on ya side, all thangs is possible.
Service yesterday was just wonderul. Pastor sho'nuff know he can preach. Child, the man is so annointed and sent from God. Just long winded. Yes, he can preach so, seem like he preaching the whole bible. Made me happy twice - I was happy to see him get up and happy to see him sat the hell down. Bless his heart. I was trying to give him some signal, don't you know he kept on going. Hell, seems to me he started to preach even harder. If there's anytime I was a'praying, shole was yesterday. I had on my good two hour shoes and my time was running out.
And one of the other mothers must didn't have a mint in her purse, course, she was the one shouting hallelujah to loudest stanking up the entire mother's row. I still can't figure out how she managed to do that one. She got one mo' time, I ain't playing. One mo' Sunday without using her church candy and I'm gonna have to see if she can join the usher board or something. Hell, can't hardly concentrate on the pastor cause her breath smell so.
Ol' Sister Angie took the microphone yesterday and sang her song. I don't know why she the only one thank she can sang. Matter'fact, betweens me and you, the old batalax don't hardly sound as good as myself. Course, I don't sang much no more. But if you put on some Patti or some Aretha, then you know, I gots to show you how I gets down. Can't sang that at the church house though. You know, I never did wonder why. The saints sangin' it at home anyway.
Alright, we got to figure out how to continue to do this blogging thang. Anybody got any suggestions. I got to run in a few. I messed around and ate too many collards last night, you know at my age they don't sit too well on your stomach. Child, my stomach been tossing and turning all day. Besides child, I joined me a jazzercise class. I got to get myself right for this summer, you know, putting it all in the right place. I agrees with them Destiny Childrens, I don't think yall ready for these preserves! Jelly is for them young gals, when you gets my age, you got preserves cause the longer it sits, the better it tastes!
Alright then babies, I ain't gonna hold yall, I got to go get my drink and do my two step.
With Love,
Mrs. Mabel
Service yesterday was just wonderul. Pastor sho'nuff know he can preach. Child, the man is so annointed and sent from God. Just long winded. Yes, he can preach so, seem like he preaching the whole bible. Made me happy twice - I was happy to see him get up and happy to see him sat the hell down. Bless his heart. I was trying to give him some signal, don't you know he kept on going. Hell, seems to me he started to preach even harder. If there's anytime I was a'praying, shole was yesterday. I had on my good two hour shoes and my time was running out.
And one of the other mothers must didn't have a mint in her purse, course, she was the one shouting hallelujah to loudest stanking up the entire mother's row. I still can't figure out how she managed to do that one. She got one mo' time, I ain't playing. One mo' Sunday without using her church candy and I'm gonna have to see if she can join the usher board or something. Hell, can't hardly concentrate on the pastor cause her breath smell so.
Ol' Sister Angie took the microphone yesterday and sang her song. I don't know why she the only one thank she can sang. Matter'fact, betweens me and you, the old batalax don't hardly sound as good as myself. Course, I don't sang much no more. But if you put on some Patti or some Aretha, then you know, I gots to show you how I gets down. Can't sang that at the church house though. You know, I never did wonder why. The saints sangin' it at home anyway.
Alright, we got to figure out how to continue to do this blogging thang. Anybody got any suggestions. I got to run in a few. I messed around and ate too many collards last night, you know at my age they don't sit too well on your stomach. Child, my stomach been tossing and turning all day. Besides child, I joined me a jazzercise class. I got to get myself right for this summer, you know, putting it all in the right place. I agrees with them Destiny Childrens, I don't think yall ready for these preserves! Jelly is for them young gals, when you gets my age, you got preserves cause the longer it sits, the better it tastes!
Alright then babies, I ain't gonna hold yall, I got to go get my drink and do my two step.
With Love,
Mrs. Mabel
Friday, May 9, 2008
The Beginning
Halleluyer and praise the lawd. Giving honor to God and to our pastor in his absence. To each of my ministers on the rostum, and to each of you, my father's chil'en.
We is here. Now back in my day we shole didn't have none of this fancy techni- uh, tecnol- uh, we ain't have none of this fancy stuff. I don't know iff'in I'se gonna be able to do this, but I'm shole gonna try. With the Lawd by my side - HALLEJULAH - we can do all thangs through Christ!
We is two saved and sanctified womens of God. We gonna be giving it to you straight from the hip...just the way Jesus likes it.
My name is Mrs. Mable and my friend Mrs. Ruthie Ann with her fast ass - she thanks she still so young - gonna mess around one day and that ol' arthritis is gonna shoot her in the hip. Anyways we gonna be working this out. They tells us we need pictures and thangs. So chile I got to go and get ready. This ain't no joke.
Alright then, I ain't gonna hold yall.
Mrs. Mabel
We is here. Now back in my day we shole didn't have none of this fancy techni- uh, tecnol- uh, we ain't have none of this fancy stuff. I don't know iff'in I'se gonna be able to do this, but I'm shole gonna try. With the Lawd by my side - HALLEJULAH - we can do all thangs through Christ!
We is two saved and sanctified womens of God. We gonna be giving it to you straight from the hip...just the way Jesus likes it.
My name is Mrs. Mable and my friend Mrs. Ruthie Ann with her fast ass - she thanks she still so young - gonna mess around one day and that ol' arthritis is gonna shoot her in the hip. Anyways we gonna be working this out. They tells us we need pictures and thangs. So chile I got to go and get ready. This ain't no joke.
Alright then, I ain't gonna hold yall.
Mrs. Mabel
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
