Monday, May 11, 2009

We's Back

Hey Babies,

Yes - you done heard correctly we's back. We can't tell ya'll much about our release from the county jail, but just know that we made it out. If you heard that two old ladies escaped, that's a white lie from the pit of hell.

We heard that swine flu was coming around too. We took us a teaspoon of sugar powder and knocked out that sickness before it took over our bodies.

We'll be back later once we get our computer set up at the house. By the way, we signed up to um, nose journal - uh, chin page...ya'll know that thing where you update your status. Oh, I thanks they call it face book. Check us out under the Pew View.

Okay babies, we gots to run - we'll be back soon - we promise.

With Love,
Mrs. Mabel and Ruthie Ann

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Hitting em wit the Truth!

Hey Babies,

Yall probably recalls me telling you how Mabel had these two white bully butches up in here trying to get her drawers. Now I’ll be the first to admit that I thought she was gonna give in sooner or later. Hell she been with L.B. plenty of years and them two frisky as alley cats. So I just figured she’d get a little lonely so to speak and end up giving one or both on them gals the goodies. Well to my surprise Mabel stood her ground and fought the good fight. Baby she hit them chicks with the truth! Few weeks ago they pinned her up and the corner and Mabel picked up bible and busted them right upside they head with it. Now that’s what I call “delivering the word!” Baby them bully butches aint been the same since. I thinks they had some type of revelation after she hit em with the truth.

Yall keep praying for us and know that God takes care of babies and fools so me and Mabel is doing just fine while we on lock down. I got more stuff to share with yall but I just wanted to send a short letter to let you know Mabel ain’t went to the other side (if you knows what I mean). Talk to you soon. Take care now.

Ruthie Ann

Sunday, October 26, 2008

BEWARE of a sleep walking shank carrying Killa!

Hey Baby,

I ain't had much sleep in the last few days and I got bags under my eyes bout the size of Mabel's ass cheeks (forgive Lawd). Now you probably wondering how a fine lady like me let’s bags as big as Mabel ass form on my face. Well I got a simple answer for you. Beware of a sleep walking shank carrying Killa!

Chile’s let me tell you what I’m talking about. A few days ago I was fast asleep dreaming about me and my ex-sugar son Tyron having us a grand ole time in the swimming pool. I thanks they calls this a wet dream. Child I had on the most sexiest floral bikini you den ever seen. Anyways, I turns over on my bunk and I opens my eyes for a few seconds and that sweet wet dream turned into a damn nightmare. Baby that crazy nut case -Camel- chain smoking- cellmate of mine Killa K was pacing the floor dead asleep with a damn shank in her hand. Now I don’t know about you, but ain’t no way in hell Imma sleep with a woman named Killa in cracker jack box sized cell with a shank in her hands and her eyes close. My brain cells might be a bit fried from all that glaucoma medicine I den smoked over the years but I ain’t nobodys fool!

Now after reading this do you thank being shank free is worth bags as big as Mabel's Booty?

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

A short Camel goes a long way!

Hey Babies,

Once again me and Mabel sends you all our love from inside the four walls of the county jail house. First off I wanna praise God because Mabel been losing weight since we been locked up. She claims it’s cause she ain’t been eating these nasty meals cause they ain’t got nothing on her cooking. But personally I thanks it got a lot to do with her constantly running away from these two white bully butches that wanna make Mabel they bitch (forgive me Lawd). Every time you turns around they talking bout how much they loves them some black womens with meat on they bones. And yall knows Mabel got plenty of meat on her bones so they both want her bad. Personally I thanks that if it wasn’t for them being white Mabel would get down with that one named Connie on the down low if you knows what I mean. I say that cause Connie kinda puts you in the mind of a white woman who looks like LB would look if he was a white woman. Anyways, all that running from them is helping Mabel fit her orange jumpsuit better. Praise the Lawd cause she was starting to look like NOT ONE but A BAG FULL of Sunkit oranges in that suit.

Now as for me I den came up with a serious hustle up in here. See the only cigarettes we got access to is them ones called Camel. Anyways, in here Camel is better than cash and if you got a half smoked one (they calls that a “short”) then that’s like having some coins. Anyways, I don’t smoke cigarettes cause ain’t nothing good about em and they sho ain’t good for your health. Now weed on the other hand is good for problems with your eyes and such. But anyways I tends to buy me a few packs of them Camel cigarettes and I uses them to get thangs done up in here. Baby I’m telling you “a short camel can get you a long way” when you locked up. Course I don’t recommend you find out for yourself. Just take my word for it. Jail ain’t for everybody. Hell if me and Mabel didn’t have the Lawd and my chain smoking cellmate Killa K on our side we’d be in a world of trouble up in here. Take care now.

Ruthie Ann

Monday, October 13, 2008

Don't let the one with glaucoma be the look out guy!

Hey Babies,

I knows yall probably been wondering where me and Mabel been lately. Well it’s kinda a long story but imma try to make it simple. The bottom line to the story is DON’T LET THE PERSON WITH GLAUCOMA BE THE LOOK OUT GUY!

I ain’t sure if yall remembers but a while back me and Mabel was curious as 5 alley cats in heat about that blue juice the pastors be drinking. We had a notion that it was that drank they calls Hypnotic. Anyways we masterminded a plot to expose our pastor for being a down low alcoholic. See we figures that us black kettles get called out in church every Sunday for our sinful ways by the pastor, so if he is a BLACK POT on the down low, then he outta be called too.

Well about two months ago me and Mabel dressed up in all black (in our Sundays best of course with the sharpest church hats you den ever seen). Anyways, we left the kitchen door open in the basement of the church earlier that day so we could sneak back in and grab that blue juice to test the water for ourselves so to speak. We had the plan all set up. I was to be the look out guy and Mabel was to be the thief. I personally thought it should be the other way around but Mabel insisted that she grab the juice since she was the one with stinky fingers back in the day. Child that women used to be able to steal the panty drawz off you while you was wearing a girdle on top of em. Now that’s what you call a professional thief.

Anyways long story short the silent alarm went off and we got arrested for armed robbery. I didn’t see the po-po pulling up in time to tell Mabel so that we could get up out the church house. Hell they looked like trees to me. The judge accused us of using Mabel’s cain as a weapon. So me and Mabel is currently do a bit in the county jail. We ain’t been able to talk to yall too much cause we beat the hell out of two bully butches for trying to take our cakes (if you knows what I mean). That fight ended us both up in solitary confinement. We still at the county but now we is able to use the computers once a week or so. W3ell try to write yall every chance we get.

Take care now and please pray of us.

Ruthie Ann

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Oh, Helllllllllllll to the No-No

Babies me and Mabel just left the church house and we is heated. Just when we den made up our minds to stop cussing so much Pastor den went and pissed us the hell off. Now we loves our Pastor dearly with his long winded self but he den gone to far this time. Me and Mabel den made it clear ova the last few months that one of us wanted to be elected the President of the Mother's Board. See we figuras if one of us wins then the otha one is still in (If you knows what I mean). Anyways old stank breath Edna been the President for the past 5 years and it's time she sat the hell down and close her old cabbage infested mouth! But naw Pastor wanna show her favor cause she his Godmommy and all. He had the nerves to veto the election and appoint her the President of the board again! Oh, Helllllllllll to the No-No.

The other mothers tired of her funk feast breath self too, but theys aint as out spoken as me and Mabel. So we den decided to write a petition and give it to the Pastor explaining how come it's time for Edna to put the gavel down and pick a toothbrush up.

Dearest Pastor,

First given honor to God who is the head of our lives and then given honor to you and First Lady. Baby, we mean Pastor, you knows that we usually follow you whereva you goes other than that time you went to the strip club to minister. We had flashbacks and didn't wanna black slide or slide back for that matter. Anyhows we is writing this letter because we sho don't agree with you appointing stank breath we means Mother Edna as the president of the Mother's Board again. We knows that she yo Godmomma and that keeps you full with them fish dinners every week. But we feels that this ain't fair to the other seasoned saints on the Mother's Board who been waiting to get they hands on the gavel. Now we is praying that you makes the right decision and let the Lord lead your heart.

With Love,

Mrs. Mabel and Ruthie Ann

Thursday, July 10, 2008

The Nerve of Them

Hey babies. Me and Mabel needs to vent for a few minutes if yall don’t mind. Well the church is having our annual picnic in August and we were elected by the Mother’s Board to come up with the activities for the seniors and the seasoned saints. Me and Mabel worked hard on the list of activities and last night the picnic committee had the nerves to revoke our title as the Mother’s Board Senior Activity Committee Chairpersons for the Annual Picnic. The nerves of them! Anyways, they claimed that our activities were not appropriate for the church picnic and that they would no longer need our services.

Now babies, yall be honest with us. Do you thanks that the activities ideas we had was not appropriate or are they just a bunch of haters cause me and Mabel is so creative and all? Take care now.

Ruthie Ann

Senior & Seasoned Saints Activities
Annual Church Picnic 2008

Church Fanning Contest – of course we all knows church ain’t complete lessin’ a you’s able to work a good church fan – the kind with Martin Lutha Kang and Malcome X and thangs. Even one with a good fun’ral home is good too. We just wants to see who can fan the fastest and longest. I knows strong armed Emma probably gone win this one.

Wig Styling Contest – a church womens closet and wardrobe ain’t complete lessin’ she wearing a good wig. You knows we got our good church wig and well sometimes we needs to have them styled just right. A Christian woman should always know how to do this. Sister Effie could use some practice on her wig. She looks a mess every Sunday.

The Sale-A-Bit Counter – this comes from Ruthie Ann. Since she’s celibate now and done left Tryon alone, we figured it would be a fantastic idea to have her run the bake sale stand where we womens sale-a-bit of this and sale-a-bit of that. The only problem is I thanks she ain’t really delivered. So, I hope she only sale-a-bit of cakes and pies and not none of her goodies.

Rubbin Alcohol Contest – Yes, chile – this is a good one. You know that Arthur (read: arthritis) comes to visit us quite often. One of the ways to kick him in the knee is to get some of that good green rubbin alcohol and give your legs a good rub down. Ladies, it’s time to roll down them knee highs and see who can rub a bottle the fastest.

Chi Chi Slide – That’s right. We is gonna do the latest dance to the Cha Cha slide and we want to see who’s titties aka chi-chi’s can knock out the most folks. So ladies, leave your over the shoulder boulder holders at home and come au natural for this one!

Chitlin Cleaning Contest – Ain’t no woman a woman unless she can get hold of that red bucket full of dirty chitlins and get them squeaky clean. We’ll run the timers for this one and the womens who can cleans a bucket of chitlins the fastest will win. The mother in last place will have to cook and eat her dirty chitlins.

and last but not least,

The Wet T-Shirt Contest - We needs to figure out last and for all which mother looks the most natural. After all, we is Christians so all we plans on doing is getting in the baptismal pool and coming back on up. I still can't figure out why ALL the deacons wanted to be judges. We can only have three though. I was thinking that we could do this contest and put all the young girls to shame - you know, put them back in their place!