Yall So Nosey - Part 1

Well babies these sho was some good questions and Lawd knows me and Mabel gone try to answer them best we can. We sho wasn’t expecting so manys nosey peoples to be all up in our business. So we den decided to take a few questions at a time and pretends like we some rich and famous peoples getting interviewed. Yall take care now.

Dreamcop08 Questions:
OKAY I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YALL ZODIAC SIGNS ARE?
Ruthie Ann: Baby I’m representing for the Leos. And you bets believe I’m a lioness when it comes to my childrens and in the bedroom. If you knows what I mean.

Ms Mabel: A lioness, Ruthie Ann please. Chile, more like a monkey with her goofy looking self. Child look just like a monkey and almost got picked up by the animal patrol. If I weren’t for me, she’d be somewhere being fed carrots and bananas. See, I’m a Capricorn all day long. A Christian Capricorn at that – CC is what I calls myself. Don’t get me started cause they used to call me a triple threat – a CCC. That’s a Cute Christian Capricorn. Halleluyer.

HOW WAS IT GROWING UP IN YOUR TIME?
Ruthie Ann: Believe it or not we was still picking cotton when me and Mabel was childrens. Course they gave us a penny for the labor. It was tuff but what don’t kill ya will only make ya strong. Imma let Mabel talk more bout this cause I tends to get emotional when I thanks back that far. It hurts to know that my breastes just ain’t as perky as they used to be when I growing up.

Ms. Mabel: I know I don’t look a day over 79, but it was rough child. We grew up in the south so we had heat like the inside of the devil’s ass. We picked cotton, we picked beans, we picked squash, hell, we picked everything we could. Ruthie Ann chose to pick men, I guess. Times is so much better now. Me and LB is in the prime of our lives and we can sit back and enjoy our lives and look at how far we’s came. You see, it’s important to take a little time and remember where you came from.

WHAT DO YALL LIKE TO DO OUTSIDE OF CHURCH TO HAVE FUN BESIDES SMOKING THAT GLAUCOMA MEDICINE?
Ruthie Ann: Well personally speaking I’m a widow 7 times as a matter fact so I’m free to come and go as I choose. Sometimes I tends to go the club and have a few dranks and course do the Electric Slide. When me and Mabel gets together we likes to make our famous hog head cheese and talk about peoples. And spend some one on one time on top of Tyron of course.

Ms. Mabel: Child, I loves me a good piece of hog head cheese on a bagel. The ladies at the church call me uppity, but who cares. I loves to sun bathe. Course, I gotta do it privately because my body is the temple of the Lawd and nobody sees Ms. Mabel’s gems but my husband. Besides sun bathing, I loves to rub my feet in that good green alcohol from Walgreen’s, I likes to make my good turnips and corn bread dish, and I loves to play a spell of bid whist. I’m the reigning champion down at the church. Them heffa’s don’t know what the deal is. I sets it off everytime.


WHERE IS MS MABEL AT I HEAR A LOT FROM MS RUTHIE ANN?
Ruthie Ann: Chile her fat tail be around she can’t respond as much with her hands full with sandwiches and all. If you ever wanna know greedy than look at Mabel wide tail and introduce ya self.

Ms. Mabel: You know, that Ruthie Ann got so much time on her hands. Hell, all she do is go from man to man. I’m much more conservative and classy and I have a life and an agenda. Just cause I’m in retirement don’t mean I just lays around and do absolutely nothing like Ruthie does. I be’s here, but working this computer ain’t the easiest thang in the world to learn how to do. Yall just bear with me and I’ll be making my rounds.


WHAT MADE YALL DECIDE TO START BLOGGING?
Ruthie Ann: Well truth be told one day I was smoking some of my glaucoma medicine and I decided to sat down and use my grandson computer. You know we been taking them computer classes down at the church for the past year so I knew how to get on the line. Mabel slow and she just ain't caught on as quick as yours truly. Anyways, I musta been tweeking as yall youngsters put it cause I went to put in http://www.baldspot.com/ and ended up here.

Ms. Mabel: Ruthie Ann typed in http://www.baldspot.com/, and I was looking for some medicine for LB’s bladder problem and I typed in http://www.bladderspot.com/. Because me and Ruthie talks about everything we told each other. Child, we said let's get us a blogspot. We figured it was a sign from God so we signed up and took us a cute ol’ picture together with our Sunday’s best on, and the next thang you know we’s writing stuff for the whole world to see.



Nicole, Inc Questions:

HAVE YOU ALL BEEN MARRIED AND IF SO WAS IT JUST ONCE OR MULTIPLE TIMES?
Ruthie Ann: Baby my marriages been like my orgasms when I’m with my sugason (opposite of sugar daddy) Tyron. That would be MULTIPLE. 7 times to be exact and they all have gone on to glory. Bless they hearts and praise God for the insurance monies.

Ms. Mabel: I’ve been married to the same man for 54 years. Yes, me and LB is still in the same love we been in when we met in high school. Of course that triflin’ ass Ruthie Ann almost stole my husband before he was my husband. I had to get that heffa straight back in the day. I had on my cute cheerleading uniform (with my coffee knee-highs of course) and one day I told her about herself. She let go and it’s been me and LB since – in all of our marital bliss. I loves him. Maybe one day I’ll post our wedding picture together. Course, back then the cameras wasn’t as good as they were now, so we got us a sketch instead.

WHAT DO YOU ALL THINK ABOUT WOMEN WEARING PANTS TO CHURCH?
Ruthie Ann: Baby it don’t bother me none. The good Lawd says come as you are. Now Mother Edna stank breath self has a fit when she sees the womens in pants. Only reason I hate them wearing pants is cause she gon talk bout it for days. Hell I’ll pay the womens to wear dresses to keep her stank mouth closed.

Ms. Mabel: A real woman always wears her a good floral pattern dress or skirt with the good pleats in them. A woman’s accessory should always be either nude or coffee stockings or knee-highs, you know, the kind that roll up right around the knee area. That’s what real womens wear. The womens in the bible wore them and child, we oughta follow their example. I see some of these young thangs walking around the church today, look like they on their way to a beach somewhere having them sarongs on. You can’t wear a sarong when your body is all so wrong. They need to join me in my jazzercise class. I will show them how to do it!!!

DO YOU HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS FOR SINGLE WOMEN IN THE CHURCH?
Ruthie Ann: Just wait for the Lawd to send you a man. I kept looking and I still never found Mr Right after 7 tries. Being with all them wrong ones was only worth it when they died. Them insurance checks sho come in handy course you know I had to tithe.

Ms. Mabel: If you get a man, don’t leave the poor child around Ruthie Ann for too long. I loves her, she’s like my sister. But her ass is as trifling as a man wearing a dirty shirt with the ring around the collar. I’m telling you what God loves…the truth.

Queen of my Castle Questions:

DO YALL GO TO OR TEACH SUNDAY SCHOOL?
Ruthie Ann: Baby what type of question is that? Course good saints like us tend Sunday school. Unlessing I had a long night with Tyron then I might miss Sunday School but chile’ that’s only bout 3 Sundays out the month.

Ms. Mabel: I used to teach Sunday School. They don’t hardly let me teach no more. They say reason being is because I cuss too much. All I be trying to do is get my point across. They told me using the word hoe and Christian in the same sentence aint Christ-like. So now I don’t hardly go these days. Screw them. I almost set it off in the church one time. I had to remember where I was at.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN WOMEN PREACHERS?
Ruthie Ann: I thanks the Lawd can use anybody including womens and young childrens. One thang bout me I ain’t stuck in my ways. Now every now and then I might get stuck in a position and my sugar son Tyron has to help me up but that’s about it. My body jus ain’t flexible like it used to be. I reckon that comes with ole’ age.

Ms. Mabel: I believes in women preachers only if she’s wearing a floral print dress or skirt with nude of coffee knee-highs rolled up round about the knee. Then I knows she’s a woman of God.

WHERE DOES ALL THE BUILDING FUND MONEY GO?
Ruthie Ann: Chile you ain’t gon get me to lying. Hell I wonders that ma self sometimes. I ain’t gossiping but we been collecting for the building fund for five years and all I knows is the Deacons all got new tupays and matching ties. Now you tell me what’s really goin on.

Ms. Mabel: Chile, ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies. Ain’t no telling where the money goes. I heard that Pastor was on a trip to Ochos Rios recently. Came back and there was a dip in the resources. That’s why I don’t tithe or give to the church no more. Hell, I got better thangs to do with my money. Besides, if I give all of my fixed income to the church then how am I gonna ever get rich playing bingo and hitting the penny slots down at the local casino?

Yall Can Be Nosey

Praises to the LAWD!!!

We been reading the blogs and we hears that peoples wants to know more about us. So, we's giving yall the opportunity.

Go ahead. Ask us whatever it is yall wants to know. Me and Ruthie Ann is prepared to answer them.

-Mrs. Mabel & Ruthie Ann

Is It Hypnotic??

To EVERYBODY

*Ruthie Ann is speaking*
“Me and Mabel has been reading all the wonderfuls blogs and we sho is inspired. We first wanna give praises to the Almighty King, Lord of Lords, Jesus Christ our Savior. Then we wanna recognize and honor alls the lay peoples in the congregation. We specially happy to acknowledge the Mothers of the house ova there in the first three rows. Mothers wave your handkerchiefs in the air. Look at them family ain’t theys pretty in them white hats. Praise the Lawd. Theys been round longer than most yall. Church say AMEN. Some of yall was still wetting your daddy’s dreams when those there Mothers joined the church. Dem there some dedicated prayer warriors too yall. Bless they hearts. Oh Lawd my throat sho is getting dry. Oh cuse me, Uusher is there some more of that blue stuff left for me to get a spill? I just needs a tasty taste. Lawd Mabel you finish talking chile’ while I see what that drank really is!”

*Mrs. Mabel is speaking*
Um, yes, well Praises to God. He's worthy ain't he. While Mabel gets a little something for her to drank. My testimony is gonna be short and sweet. You know, I thanks God for life. Chile, Sister Odessa didn't make it, Mother Geneva is on life support right now, but you know what...God is still good. That ol' heffa oughta be on life support though. Serves her ass, oops, I can't say that in the Lawd's house. Anyways, I'm standing before you to testify that we believes the Pastor be getting tipsy in service. How do we knows?

1. We saw the pastor at Rothschild Liquors this past weekend. We was there doing missions work, why was he there?

2. The pastor be trying to speak in tongues and he doesn't have that giftin...yall knows that. Besides, saying "can you work it, let me work it, put that thang down, flip it, and reverse it" ain't holy languages.

3. Doing the Casper Slide instead of the Holy Dance ain't right.

4. Instead of sanging our usual morning hymn when we's done, Pastor was sanging the words to Mariah Carey's new song Touch My Body.

So, yalls needs to be the jurdge. What do pastor be having in his cup? Why come it be so blue? Now I knows when I have my evening communion sometimes with Ruthie Ann our jesus juice be blue too, but it don't be all that holy. Please don't jurdge us! Hallelujah.


Question family? If you too want to know or already knows what in the world is that blue drank in the Pastors glass, you knows the glass sitting at the right hand of the pulpit then please come to the podium and tell us chile'. Is it Hypnotic?

-The Pew View Ladies

PS: Don't jurdge us! Halleluyer!

The Mother's Board Meetin'

Lawd knows I love being on the Mother’s board, but them old hags bore me to death. This past Tuesday we had our monthly meeting and I prepared ma’self for death row by inhaling some on my glaucoma medicine. Baby let me tell you my grandson keeps him a stash of dat gunja in his coat pocket. Dumb chile’ thanks I don’t know bout it but I be pinching off it every chance I get. Why is it that peoples who smoke weed don’t thank otha peoples know they smoke weed? They lips and finger tips be all burned and they eyes be all red. They come in eatin all the damn cereals in the house. See an experienced woman like me knows how to keep mine on the down low. I puts me on a pair of them operation gloves so my fangers don’t stank and get burned up. I puts on my big church hat and pops a mint in my mouth. Then I sprayss on some of my favorites floral perfume. Chile' them deacons knows they loves my perfume. Everytime I walks pass one of them they jus be smiling and thangs.

Anyway, the Mother's board meeting was okay cept Mother Wilma is a one long winded prayer. Seems to me she prays a whole damn novel. Hell I was ready to get up out that church house and head to my house cause I had my suger son (opposite of suger daddy) Tyron there waiting for me in them black boxer briefs I likes to see him in. For all the ladies that aint got no suger son you mights wanna get you one. Them younger mens don't be needing no viagra likes them mens my age. Take care now.


Signed
Ruthie Ann

Top 10 Ways We Spending our Stimulus Check

Praises be to the almighty God. We's thankful, yes we are, for all the responses we been getting. Yall, keep em coming.

So, we been thanking. I asked Ruthie Ann what's the best way we gonna spend our stimulus check money. She came up with some ideas, and sho nuff, I did too. After we goes to the check cashing store, we going shopping. I sincerely hopes yall go on out and try some of our ideas. We will...hell, and we may even post some pictures.

With Love,
Mrs. Mabel & Mrs. Ruthie

Ruthie Ann's Top 5
5. Underwear - Child, you can throw out all of your old bloomers and get cha some new ones with this money. Now personally we recommends Hanes Her way cuz they comes in different sizes, colors, and styles. Course, every once and again we womens likes to feel sexy, so we gets the one with that string that goes up ya rear. They really ain't so bad, 'cept last time took me forever to remember where that damn strang had gone. I guess that's what happens when you got all these preserves as Mabel would say.

4. A Party - Whew baby, now we all loves us a good party every once and again. I says this, whenever we gets some extra money down here in the south we do us a little C & C Party. We calls it Collards and Chitlin's. We loves both, we fries them, boils them, bakes them, even stews them. Problem is our stomachs ain't as ripe as they used to be. So, we gets us some Dulcolax and some fiber pills as a chaser to them chitlin's and collards. Don't go too far from the house after you done eatin, don't wanna mess around and um...mess around, if you knows what I means!

3. Hair - Wigs chile, wigs. Now at our ages you know it's hard to keep your 'do looking fresh. See, my current suga son (opposite of a suga daddy) keeps trying to get too damn freaky deaky and he ends up pulling my good hair all the time. Course, he's the one I'm committed to...at the time, so I needs to make sure I'm wearing my good wig on our freaky days. Problem is ain't no telling when little Tyron's little one is gonna be ready, so like Pastor always says, be ye also ready. Chile, I'm gonna get me two good wigs that way when Tyron pulls the first good one, I'll have that good ol' ram in the bush!

2. Knee Highs - Child, talking about fashion - this is a must have. We done worn our nudes one so much during the Mother's appreciation, usher's appreciation, choir's appreciation, deacon's appreciation, and pastor's appreciation that we got runs all in our knee highs. And since you know ain't no good ensemble complete or couture enough without our nude knee highs - we can appreciate ourselves by picking us up a couple of new pairs. Now don't yall walk out that house without no good knee highs on, ladies never do that. Hell, that Devil will make a fool outta you...only if you let him.

5. Casino Night - Of course you knows we gotta plan a trip down to the local casino with our good wigs and nude knee highs. Alls we doing is evangelism, right? We spreading the good news about Jesus and playing our lady luck at the same time. Ain't nothing wrong with that. Now the pastor is always preachin' bout being a giver...so with our checks, we gonna give. And in this case we hoping our giving comes back to us 100 fold, pressed together, shaken over, and running down (or however that goes, child they got me up in here trying something called jose cuervo).

Mrs. Mabel's Top 5

5. Starbucks - Talking about addiction - you gotta treats yaself to some of that good name brand stuff. Now Ruthie Ann usually drinks an off brand instant coffee (she's common chile, common folks will do anything these days. Remember that woman at the well - common). Anyways, Lawd knows we loves us some good coffee - so get some every once in a while (side note: if you anything like that Ruthie Ann, then you'll get a half pint of Brandy and put a shot in your coffee. She says it adds to the flavor that's all). That's probably why that heffa mistakes her good wig for that foolish one her suga son done pulled all outta shape. I shole hope she uses protection. That Ruthie Mae shole is one rolling stone!


4. Giving Back - Time and time again Ruthie Ann and myself, we talks about how we needs to help these young gals with jelly 'stead of preserves. So we says we gonna start some type of program where we can teach these girls the golden rule. So many times they just giving it away. Don't save nothing for their husband, for marriage. I never did understand it. You know ya wedding night should be special. You should be untouched. Course, there's a difference if you giving it away for a cause. Before LB and I got all caught up for real, I was only giving it away for hook-ups and come-ups. If you weren't coming out with the cash, I wasn't giving up no a--. And I meant that! Chile, I got tired of upgrading these sorry deacons and trustees. I had done a good work! Anyway, we gone teach the young gals how to sell the cow, instead of just giving the milk away for free.

3. Ministry - Yes, chile - we can't forget that we is some saved, sanctified, womens of God! Halleluyer. So, we got to give back in ministry. Yall heard about Mother Edna on that front row with her breath stankin'. Since we wrote that we been getting e-mails from so many people down at the church telling us that there are others in the church with stank breath. Child, we is starting the first ever Mint Ministry. Yes! If yo breath aint the best, then child, you pass the test. Just raise your hand and we will pass you a mint. Of course, we will need a treasurer and secretary for our auxillary. Anybody want to volunteer. We needs people with fresh breath and no sticky fingers to stand at the front door and pass out mints. Praise God!

2. PSA - What's the name of them thangs the po po's have on their car, them loud speaker thangs, that's what I need. Chile, I can be walking down to the local Walgreen's to pick up my green rubbin' alcohol and some epson salt, and I knows I'm fine as wine - that's why LB loves me so, but I get mens trying to holla at a sister all the time. What I don't understand is that why I gotta be Beyonce? Why do you holla at me so I can upgrade you? I never did understand that. Child, they looks a mess - always got balding hair trying to hold on to the little bit that's left. Next time some grown man with a comb over tries to get these digits, I'm gonna use my portable P.A. System and shout "WHEN IN DOUBT AND IT WON'T GROW, CUT IT OFF AND LET IT GO!"

1. Save - Now don't be no fool. Child, we in a recession and times is hard. I remember back in my day when times were hard, they were, but at least we could get a gallon of milk and some gas. Course, it was .11 cents a gallon back then. You youngin's better wake up and realize we in hard times. Get you a good sock (hell, I'll send yall one of our old knee highs) and put you some money in it and stuff it under your mattress for a rainy day. I would say put them in Ruthie Ann's titties (Lawd knows they big enough), but her men steals and I don't want yall blaming me when ya money is gone.

Alrighty then, we ain't gonna hold yall. We'll give yall an update on Friday before we go to the fish fry down at the church. That Edna got some stank breath, but that old heffa know she can fry up some catfish and make some good cabbages!

-Ruthie Ann & Mrs. Mabel

Pastor Preaching and Thangs...

Well praise the lawd babies. Seems as though our responses is getting more and more. Ruthie Ann and maself are ova here tryna figure out how to work all this fancy stuff. Course, when you got the Lawd on ya side, all thangs is possible.



Service yesterday was just wonderul. Pastor sho'nuff know he can preach. Child, the man is so annointed and sent from God. Just long winded. Yes, he can preach so, seem like he preaching the whole bible. Made me happy twice - I was happy to see him get up and happy to see him sat the hell down. Bless his heart. I was trying to give him some signal, don't you know he kept on going. Hell, seems to me he started to preach even harder. If there's anytime I was a'praying, shole was yesterday. I had on my good two hour shoes and my time was running out.



And one of the other mothers must didn't have a mint in her purse, course, she was the one shouting hallelujah to loudest stanking up the entire mother's row. I still can't figure out how she managed to do that one. She got one mo' time, I ain't playing. One mo' Sunday without using her church candy and I'm gonna have to see if she can join the usher board or something. Hell, can't hardly concentrate on the pastor cause her breath smell so.


Ol' Sister Angie took the microphone yesterday and sang her song. I don't know why she the only one thank she can sang. Matter'fact, betweens me and you, the old batalax don't hardly sound as good as myself. Course, I don't sang much no more. But if you put on some Patti or some Aretha, then you know, I gots to show you how I gets down. Can't sang that at the church house though. You know, I never did wonder why. The saints sangin' it at home anyway.



Alright, we got to figure out how to continue to do this blogging thang. Anybody got any suggestions. I got to run in a few. I messed around and ate too many collards last night, you know at my age they don't sit too well on your stomach. Child, my stomach been tossing and turning all day. Besides child, I joined me a jazzercise class. I got to get myself right for this summer, you know, putting it all in the right place. I agrees with them Destiny Childrens, I don't think yall ready for these preserves! Jelly is for them young gals, when you gets my age, you got preserves cause the longer it sits, the better it tastes!



Alright then babies, I ain't gonna hold yall, I got to go get my drink and do my two step.





With Love,


Mrs. Mabel

The Beginning

Halleluyer and praise the lawd. Giving honor to God and to our pastor in his absence. To each of my ministers on the rostum, and to each of you, my father's chil'en.

We is here. Now back in my day we shole didn't have none of this fancy techni- uh, tecnol- uh, we ain't have none of this fancy stuff. I don't know iff'in I'se gonna be able to do this, but I'm shole gonna try. With the Lawd by my side - HALLEJULAH - we can do all thangs through Christ!

We is two saved and sanctified womens of God. We gonna be giving it to you straight from the hip...just the way Jesus likes it.

My name is Mrs. Mable and my friend Mrs. Ruthie Ann with her fast ass - she thanks she still so young - gonna mess around one day and that ol' arthritis is gonna shoot her in the hip. Anyways we gonna be working this out. They tells us we need pictures and thangs. So chile I got to go and get ready. This ain't no joke.

Alright then, I ain't gonna hold yall.
Mrs. Mabel