Oh, Helllllllllllll to the No-No

Babies me and Mabel just left the church house and we is heated. Just when we den made up our minds to stop cussing so much Pastor den went and pissed us the hell off. Now we loves our Pastor dearly with his long winded self but he den gone to far this time. Me and Mabel den made it clear ova the last few months that one of us wanted to be elected the President of the Mother's Board. See we figuras if one of us wins then the otha one is still in (If you knows what I mean). Anyways old stank breath Edna been the President for the past 5 years and it's time she sat the hell down and close her old cabbage infested mouth! But naw Pastor wanna show her favor cause she his Godmommy and all. He had the nerves to veto the election and appoint her the President of the board again! Oh, Helllllllllll to the No-No.

The other mothers tired of her funk feast breath self too, but theys aint as out spoken as me and Mabel. So we den decided to write a petition and give it to the Pastor explaining how come it's time for Edna to put the gavel down and pick a toothbrush up.

Dearest Pastor,

First given honor to God who is the head of our lives and then given honor to you and First Lady. Baby, we mean Pastor, you knows that we usually follow you whereva you goes other than that time you went to the strip club to minister. We had flashbacks and didn't wanna black slide or slide back for that matter. Anyhows we is writing this letter because we sho don't agree with you appointing stank breath we means Mother Edna as the president of the Mother's Board again. We knows that she yo Godmomma and that keeps you full with them fish dinners every week. But we feels that this ain't fair to the other seasoned saints on the Mother's Board who been waiting to get they hands on the gavel. Now we is praying that you makes the right decision and let the Lord lead your heart.

With Love,

Mrs. Mabel and Ruthie Ann

The Nerve of Them

Hey babies. Me and Mabel needs to vent for a few minutes if yall don’t mind. Well the church is having our annual picnic in August and we were elected by the Mother’s Board to come up with the activities for the seniors and the seasoned saints. Me and Mabel worked hard on the list of activities and last night the picnic committee had the nerves to revoke our title as the Mother’s Board Senior Activity Committee Chairpersons for the Annual Picnic. The nerves of them! Anyways, they claimed that our activities were not appropriate for the church picnic and that they would no longer need our services.

Now babies, yall be honest with us. Do you thanks that the activities ideas we had was not appropriate or are they just a bunch of haters cause me and Mabel is so creative and all? Take care now.

Signed
Ruthie Ann

Senior & Seasoned Saints Activities

Annual Church Picnic 2008

Church Fanning Contest – of course we all knows church ain’t complete lessin’ a you’s able to work a good church fan – the kind with Martin Lutha Kang and Malcome X and thangs. Even one with a good fun’ral home is good too. We just wants to see who can fan the fastest and longest. I knows strong armed Emma probably gone win this one.

Wig Styling Contest – a church womens closet and wardrobe ain’t complete lessin’ she wearing a good wig. You knows we got our good church wig and well sometimes we needs to have them styled just right. A Christian woman should always know how to do this. Sister Effie could use some practice on her wig. She looks a mess every Sunday.

The Sale-A-Bit Counter – this comes from Ruthie Ann. Since she’s celibate now and done left Tryon alone, we figured it would be a fantastic idea to have her run the bake sale stand where we womens sale-a-bit of this and sale-a-bit of that. The only problem is I thanks she ain’t really delivered. So, I hope she only sale-a-bit of cakes and pies and not none of her goodies.

Rubbin Alcohol Contest – Yes, chile – this is a good one. You know that Arthur (read: arthritis) comes to visit us quite often. One of the ways to kick him in the knee is to get some of that good green rubbin alcohol and give your legs a good rub down. Ladies, it’s time to roll down them knee highs and see who can rub a bottle the fastest.

Chi Chi Slide – That’s right. We is gonna do the latest dance to the Cha Cha slide and we want to see who’s titties aka chi-chi’s can knock out the most folks. So ladies, leave your over the shoulder boulder holders at home and come au natural for this one!

Chitlin Cleaning Contest – Ain’t no woman a woman unless she can get hold of that red bucket full of dirty chitlins and get them squeaky clean. We’ll run the timers for this one and the womens who can cleans a bucket of chitlins the fastest will win. The mother in last place will have to cook and eat her dirty chitlins.

and last but not least,

The Wet T-Shirt Contest - We needs to figure out last and for all which mother looks the most natural. After all, we is Christians so all we plans on doing is getting in the baptismal pool and coming back on up. I still can't figure out why ALL the deacons wanted to be judges. We can only have three though. I was thinking that we could do this contest and put all the young girls to shame - you know, put them back in their place!

Yall So Nosey-Part II

Hey babies, we are back and live in action. You have to forgive us for our delay. We've been traveling. You see, I went to Sin City and been praying ever since then. I had to get LB back up and in order. Then we and some of the other mothers drove up to Detroit for the AIM conference. We've got plenty of stories to tell about that. I just got me a new sale phone and I was trying to figure out how to work my camera phone so I can show some pictures since yall don't believe half the stuff we be saying. I couldn't figure out how to work it. I was looking for Ruthie to help me, but she was off somewhere with some deacons and elders from another church.

Anyway, yall keep Pastor Timothy Wright lifted up in prayer. We heard that his wife and grandson were killed and he was injured real bad coming back from the same conference. Sometimes we never understand what God is doing, but we have to trust him anyway.

Here are the second batch of questions. I hope yall enjoy.

-Mrs. Mabel

TORRANCE SAID:

Where yawl get the fire hats from?

Mrs. Mabel: Now baby, I don't thanks that's a question I'm gonna be able to answer. You see asking a grown woman (especially one of my age) where she gets her personal accessories from is sorta like asking that very same woman her age. That’s just something you don’t do. Plus, one time we was a’havin us a church banquet. I had on my good red suit – candy apple red. That’s the one LB loves to see me in. Well, one of the other mothers in the church asked me where I got my clutch from. Being the Christian I am – I told her. Next thing you know that heffa up and showed up to the church with the same purse I had. If I wasn’t so saved, I would have done more than just cuss her out.

Ruthie Ann: Chile' I got to second what Mabel said. Asking bout our hats is sho nuff like asking womens they age. I can’t tells you where I gets my good hats from. You might go get your grandmamma one and the devil is a liar if I walk in the church house and sees someone with my same hat on! I'll sho nuff do some shouting but it won't be in the spirit.

FUZZY SAID:

Are "Mrs. Ruthie Anne" and "Ms. Mabel" stage names or are they your real names?

Mrs. Mabel: Stage name? What’s that baby? I’m as real as real can get. I used to go by an alias. Hell, sometimes I still do. I have to keeps the passion burning in my marriage to LB so some times I’ll let him call me Mahalia or even Lena sometimes.

Ruthie Ann: Baby, fars I know I been called Ruthie Ann long as I can remembers. Now there was a rumor when I was 13 that I was found in the woods as a baby by my Pappy and they gave me the name. But chile I thanks my cousin was saying that to get some without feeling like kissing cousins. Damn boy was a freak to his heart. Maybe that’s why he died of a heart attack while he was layed up with some prostitute. Anyhow, I believes I been Ruthie Ann since day one.

Are you a blogger, or group of bloggers, that publish this blog?

Mrs. Mabel: Well, I beg your pardon youngster! You oughta be ashamed of yourself calling womens like us out of our names. I’m not a blogger, I’m a Christian. I believes in the Lord. He heard my cry and He pitied every groan! He is coming back again, you know.

Ruthie Ann: Baby I aint quite sure I understands your question. I’m sexy me and then there’s big round and greedy Mabel and we just blogs. Sometimes I do the blogs, sometimes she do the blogs, and sometimes we does them together. We ain't into no kinky-freaky stuff on the computers though if that's what you are asking.

One of you made reference to having a sugar son. How do you feel fornicating?

Mrs. Mabel: Child, well, it ain’t me with the sugar son. That’s that ol’ trifling Ruthie. I thanks one shouldn’t fornicate ever. It just ain’t no cause for it. Plus, I done been with LB for so long, he knows how to fulfill all my needs.

Ruthie Ann: Baby the bible says a fool thanks what they doing is right. I must admit I was foolish to thank I could continue being with my sugar son Tyron or should I say ex sugar son. Pastor preached on fornicating while back and I felt convicted so I told Tyron he was gonna have to marry me if we was gonna keep bumping and grinding. Well let’s just say I don’t thank like I used to thank a few months ago when I was getting me some on a regular basis and making every excuse in the book to do so.

How do you feel about homosexuals?

Mrs. Mabel: Child, ain’t nothing wrong with them homosexuals. They knows how to keep my hair in place, paint my finger nails, and one came over not too long ago and helped me redesign my sun room.

Ruthie Ann: Baby I keeps telling folks I ain’t one to judge. Now long as no womens don’t try to touch my body I ain’t got no problems with it. Plus I used to thank Mabel dipped off on the other side of the fence here and there back in the day. So what can I say if my best friend is a homosexual on the down low? She thank I don't see how she be looking at me when I have on my Sundays best, but chile' I sees her admiring me.

What do you think happened to Carlton Pearson?

Mrs. Mabel: He messed around with one of them homosexuals and they done turned him out.

Ruthie Ann: Baby is that the man that went down to the casino river boat, lost all his money, got depressed, and jumped off the boat? Hell, he shoulda stuck to the penny slots cause you can’t go wrong playing for pennies. Specially if you got a bunch of them in a Crown Royal bag.

Why is Bobbi Jones sooo gay?

Mrs. Mabel: He always been gay. He’s like wine. The longer you exist, the stronger you taste.

Ruthie Ann: Chile I don’t know, but I tell you what I sho like them suits he be wearing. That man know he got some fashion with his fruity self.

Why do you blog?

Mrs. Mabel: Honestly, I blogs cause I wanted a new outlet. I got here by mistake. I typed in http://www.bladderspot.com/ one day to look up some medicine for LB and his little problem. Next thang you know this is where I was. I’ve been loving it ever since.

Ruthie Ann: We figured it was a calling on our life an all since we ended up in the blog world by mistake. What’s the chances of me looking for http://www.baldspot.com/ and Mabel looking for http://www.bladderspot.com/ on two separate occasions and we ends up at http://www.blogspot.com/. If that ain't God what is?

What do yall want to accomplish from blogging?

Mrs. Mabel: You know, I learned not to have expectations. I feel it's important just to take it as it comes. If you get something good out of the experience, then it was meant to be.

Ruthie Ann: Well I can't say I'm looking to accomplish nothing in particular. I do likes to give the peoples some good sound words of wisdom and advice. Plus is bout the only exercise that Mabel gone get and typing works out her fat fangers. I feels as her best friend it's my duty to encourage her to exercise.

How old are you two?

Mrs. Mabel: Now son, you know better than to ask a woman her age.

Ruthie Ann: Like I said earlier asking womens they age and where they gets their good Sunday church hats from is a no-no. Next question!

Going back to the sugar son, where do I apply? :-)

Mrs. Mabel: You gotta ask Ruthie about that. From the looks of you, you ain't got much money. Plus, ain't you tied up together with that other young boy Shawn? if you is, then ain't you fornicating?

Ruthie Ann: Baby if you woulda got up with me a few months ago I woulda broke you off a lil something something, but chile' I'm done with the younger mens. They cost too much anyway and I'm working off a fixed income you know.

THE FLYYEST SAID:

Are yall 2 real or is this an alias?? whatever it is...im lovin it.

Mrs. Mabel: Baby, we is as real as a wooden nickel! Seriously, we is real. We’re here typing, aint’ we?

Ruthie Ann: Baby we as real as your hair. Now you tell me is that your hair or is it fake? Chile, I’m just playing with you. We loves wigs too baby. Baby we sho nuff real as a wooden nickel I means a nickel on a wooden table.

PROMISCUOUS X SAID:

Do you even get wet when you geting your freak on LOL?

Mrs. Mabel: Yes child, LB makes sure I gets wet. Besides, what I can’t do myself, a bottle that costs $7.99 can do for me!

Ruthie Ann: Baby can an old sank still have a working faucet? Of course water can still run!You betta ask somebody.

Do you know how to make Peach Cobbler?

Mrs. Mabel: I can make a mean peach cobbler. You know they say a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. That’s how me and LB got started.

Ruthie Ann: As you can tell by the difference in our womenly figuras, Mabel is the cook, baker, and taster around these parts. I ain't have time to make no peach cobbler tending to all my husbands and childrens.

Do you have your tubes tied? Cuz I know y'all too be having ya lil jump offs aka Suga Sons LOL

Mrs. Mabel: Because I’m the married one, ain’t no need to tie my tubes. Although, I doubt there’s much more baking in the oven. I think the pilot light is out for good!

Ruthie Ann: Chile' I ain't let them doctors tie nothing on me. I gots the pull out method mastered. Why you thank I only got 13 childrens?